Ask The Scam Oracle

The Book that Sparked a Revolution

2008-04-29T12:40:00.001-07:00

"If you think waiters are powerless tip slaves - guess again!" - Steve Dublanica, aka "The Waiter", author of Waiter Rant

"An eye-opener for the 100 million of us who eat out every day." - Lynn Scherr, ABC 20/20

"The dirty little secrets of restaurants - revealed!" - Good Morning America

Study up!

For Bulk Discount info and to order the latest copies of "How to Burn Down the House: The Infamous Waiter and Bartender's Scam Bible by Two Bourbon Street Waiters" visit scambible.com or contact:

info@scambible.com
Ph. 504-710-8154
Fx. 504-910-3088

PO BOX 15487
New Orleans, La 70175

Don't eat out until you read this book!

Smart Money

2007-04-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

Click on the title above to view co-author Peter Francis' commentary in April's Smart Money Magazine. Also, look for us at the upcoming Los Angeles Food Show in August and in your town. We are constantly canvassing the country bringing our caustic, quizzical, but extremely useful message to an oblivious public and industry, regularly ravished and hosed down by scam-savvy marxist workers. Sound like a conspiracy? Shameless glitz and marketing? You tell me, but I'll tell you from experience - nothing warms the cockles of a scammers heart like denial.

New Orleans Book Fair 2006

2006-09-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

Racontuers, pseudo and non-pseudo intellectuals alike, writers,poets ,real live living and breathing anarchists,Hippies ,Yippies, Zinesters,artists ,ZEITGEIST and more.

Saturday October 28th, 10am till 6pm , Barristers Gallery, 1724 Oretha Castle Haley Blvd. NEW ORLEANS ,LOUISIANNA....yeah you right.

Meet Chip and Peter and get the newest edition fresh off the printer signed ,and we encourage picture taking.

Barristers Gallery is the home of ZEITGEIST and its mad genius leader Renee. Back in in the golden age of New Orleans , 1996, Renee and I worked with TRIBE MAGAZINE and "DEHYDRATED AT DAWN AT CAFE DUMONDE" poet Douglas Brinkley on the 48 HOUR INSOMNIACATHON which was a couple of kicks in the shins and a corn stomp of good fun.
Tempus Fugit and then some deja vu to really bend it around and here we are in present time again shuffling off to the New Orleans Book Fair. Sat Oct 28.
Check out the site : nolabookfair.com

Orange Alert!

2006-08-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

Let’s get the word out, comrades! No matter how fast I stoke the flames with these lil' devils, there’s still 100’s of millions of people in America who've yet to read the Scam Bible. Criminy, that’s a lot of books and a lot of potential targets. We’ve got a crisis on our hands, as if it wasn’t bad enough already. I’ve got mountains of Scam Bibles bearing down on my FEMA trailer like coal slag.

Trust me, disseminating this arcane know-how is the best thing for everyone involved. The working men and women deserve a little respect, the restaurant and bar owners are losing their asses, and the poor customers don’t have a clue.

Don’t take my word for it -

“An eye-opener for the 100 million of us who eat out every day.”
– Lynn Scherr, ABC 20/20

“If you think waiters are powerless tip slaves – guess again!”
– The Waiter, waiterrant.net

“If you ever plan on eating in a restaurant, you need to read this book.”
- Wayne Resnick, KFI 640 AM, Los Angeles

“A must read for restaurant and bar operators.”
- Bevinco

There’s something here for everyone. Heck, do what I did. Get a couple of thousand of these bad boys and stack’em up against the door jams to hold back the flood waters.

Just kidding, don’t do that...it doesn’t work.

See you soon.

Fox News Channel: Tommorrow @ 6:52am Eastern

2006-06-20T18:05:00.000-07:00

Any sane person would be in bed, but if you're a basket case like me, tune in to Fox News Channel at 6:52 am Tommorrow June 21st for a little Scam Bible with your coffee.

ABC News 20/20

2006-06-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

Tune in to 20/20 Tommorrow, June 16th, at 10pm Eastern to check out our interview with Lynn Scherr. We had a great time in New York and they treated us like kings, but God knows they'll probably crucify us...and I guess we deserve it.

World Tour 2006: Southwest Foodservice Expo, June 25th

2006-05-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

That's right, we're coming to your town. We're stumping this amoral smut from coast to coast, pole to pole, in reeking gin joints and arabesque hippodromes, teepees, church tents, railroad cars...to "bums and angels" if they'll listen. We don't play favorites and aren't too proud to snatch a lollypop from a crying baby for 15 minutes of glory.

If you've been reading Peter Francis' Up From the Skies series, you may have got the idea we've embraced this rambling, gypsy lifestyle that began after Hurricane Katrina, and you'd be right. What could be more natural? In the olden days, hard working bible salesmen canvassed the highways and byways of our great country, indulging the thirsty rapture of lonesome housewives by day, and preaching in tin cup amphitheaters to congregations of hobos and dreamers by night. Well, let me tell you, the life of a modern day Scam Bible salesman is not much different.

Our next stop is HOUSTON, TEXAS JUNE 25^th @ THE SOUTHWEST FOODSERVICE EXPO – “Whoa! The what…where!?” I didn’t stutter, cowboy. The Texas Restaurant Association has been kind enough to ask us, of all people, a couple of no good Marxist klepto-anarchists, to speak and sign books at their annual convention. I was agape at the news myself, and frankly a little suspicious. For all I know we could be walking into an ambush. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that 27,000 angry restaurant and bar people and two infamous scamming waiters could amount to one hell of a lynchin’, but…the boys at Promethean Books assured us it was worth the risk.

For schedule & booking information call toll free (888)-672-9018 or email info@prometheanbooks.com.

Tales from Ol' Bourbon Street: The Brazilian

2006-04-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

The Brazilian’s approach was simple, but extremely effective – take one check and use that baby over and over until it’s falling apart in your sweaty money-soaked palms. To sweeten the odds, he refused to work any shifts except the lunch buffet, so his orders were pretty uniform. But if push came to shove, he wasn’t afraid to stick the square peg in the round hole…

“(ahem)..uh…sir? I think you gave us the wrong bill. This says iced tea, but we had two margaritas.”

He’d examine the check with marked concentration, then bashfully concede,

“Oops! (shrug) Well…today ju lucky day, baby. Margarita, iced tea, same price, o.k.? ” (wink)

Why punch a gift horse in the mouth?

He had an uncanny knack for overcoming objections and applying his magic ticket to just about any group of items. Sometimes he’d use the same check for weeks at a time, regarding the really old ones with an almost superstitious affection. His pet phrase, “I don’t work for tips”, became the credo for all enlightened waiters and bartenders at the Ol’ Bourbon Street restaurant, and he wasn’t kidding. The Brazilian cared about one thing and one thing only – whacking as many buffets as humanly possible in a 6 hour shift - service be damned. He’d let his customers rot on the vine, and even though I knew they’d done nothing to deserve it, I derived a good deal of perverse pleasure out of watching them turn beet red, twitching and squirming to catch his attention as he flirted with the new hostess or smoked cigarettes and fingered his giant wad of bills out in front of the restaurant. Even ass-kissing waiters indulge a certain quiet sadism at a customer’s mistreatment, and I was no different.

In truth, to most waiters, the customer is guilty until proven innocent. If he conducts himself correctly, tips generously, and quickly vacates the table after consuming his food at a reasonably fast and undemanding pace, well between the hours of opening and closing, only then is he regarded as an exception to the unpleasant stereotype, and once the check is paid, his unique case is quickly forgotten.

The Brazilian was waging his own personal assault on the US economy. Sometimes, after an obscenely profitable shift or when he was feeling morally challenged, he would wax defiantly…

“Ju know, Cheep, when United States coming to Brazil, they fucking us beeg time. They stealing our resource y corroopting to the government. So, when I coming United States, I fucking them, too…ju know?”

It seemed fair enough.

Back home he’d squandered a small fortune, along with his reputation, playing the options in the Brazilian stock market. So he decided to skedaddle and chase a long time dream. An accomplished surfer, he embarked on his own Endless Summer, touring the world’s most exotic surf spots with his two miniature schnauzers. After being kicked out of Australia and Indonesia for working illegally, he landed in the Port of New Orleans, flat broke, with an eye to restock his war chest before returning to Brazil to reclaim his crown in Rio’s financial district and marry his childhood sweetheart. His plan was to bank a cool fifty G’s, by hook or by crook, and what better place to do it than the French Quarter’s lucrative restaurant and bar scene. In the right spot with the right kind of managers, you can make that in a year, plus tips. He was more than half way there when I met him.

I don’t know why he took me under his wing. He must have seen in me some poor rube working way too hard for his money or maybe, like most people, he was simply brimming with pride. At any rate, he taught me his only trick, what I later found out was known by insider’s as the Buffet Scam, an entry level maneuver popular with up and comers. But the Brazilian had taken it to a whole new level. He was the essence of stark simplicity combined with a solid sack of stones; he used the oldest scam in the book and flat pillaged like there was no tomorrow. I admit, I’ve had the pleasure of working with far more artful grifters who implemented vast, elaborate repertoires and prided themselves on mastering high tech POS scams like the Wagonwheel and others, but none of them minted money hand over fist like the Brazilian and his mighty recycled checks.

Besides sticking it to the restaurant, he had a few angles on the side. In fact, he used to dabble in the same scam that George Bush’s sticky-fingered buddy, Claude Allen, made famous, snatching and returning items at mega-stores like Walmart and Target. His favorites were the fishing reels.

You might say he ushered me into the Dark Side or maybe he just shed first light on the mysterious duality of man. He was without a doubt a taker, but he was a giver as well. He was always shoplifting steaks and bottles of wine and dropping by for impromptu cookouts.

“I know the manager of the supermarket,” he'd say with a shit eating grin, and for quite some time I actually believed him.

Not to mention, he was trusting enough to divulge to me the legendary and mysterious Brazilian pick-up style. A technique that he’d all but perfected, and by which he parlayed his pathological imagination and brief knowledge of several romance languages into an unbelievable amount of pussy.

The last time I saw the Brazilian he was shirtless and shitfaced in the doorway of the Ol’ Bourbon Street restaurant, screaming empty threats at the terrified manager who was hiding in the kitchen. She was a busty little vixen who’d done just about everyone in the place except for him and I think he took it personal. It may not be in the employee handbook to shag the whole staff, but despite that small infraction, she was a company woman to the core and probably the only honest and competent manager in the place. They were always going at it, and she’d canned him earlier that day when one of their arguments got out of hand. I think she probably knew what he was up to, but lacking evidence, settled for the old standby, insubordination. Oh well…he was a surfer, and there’s no doubt he rode one hell of a pipeline before eating it on the filthy red bricks of Bourbon Street.

In the end I learned one extremely important lesson. With very little Italian and a passable BMW you can easily convince American girls that you’re a wealthy European jetsetter come to the US to breed the family stud and shop for award-winning thoroughbreds. And once they believe that - the sky’s the limit.

Bom sorte, Brasileiro.

Kill the Messenger

2006-03-08T11:39:00.000-08:00

“You can’t handle the truth!” – Colonel Nathan Jessup

He’s right you know. It’s best to candy coat everything, or else be prepared to take it on the chin. Americans like their truth like they like their liquor- a few like it straight, but most prefer it with a sugary sweet mixer, and some flat don’t partake at all. Then there’s the spin-doctors who take up your barstools blowing smoke up your ass and sipping Shirley Temples. They never tip and never shut-up. It’s all pretty complicated. Unless you’ve spent a year or two as a thankless tray jockey, you aren’t likely to grasp that kind of potent metaphor.

Any working class Joe or Josephine will tell you, there’s no education like what you get from slogging it out in the trenches with your fellow peons. Which begs the question - with all the slogging we’d done, why weren’t we educated enough to take or own advice and candy coat the Scam Bible, at least a little bit? Well, there’s no accounting for self-destructive behavior. That’s genetic. Like a couple of rubes, we rolled the dice, and martyred ourselves for first amendment rights and a good laugh. Also, we had no idea the whole country was in such a state of abject denial. Had we only picked up a newspaper!

According to Todd Price, the journalist who wrote the Scam Bible’s controversial cover story – “Turning the Tables” - for the the New Orleans’ Gambit, no story in the paper’s history had initiated so much public outcry. The Editor’s desk was literally inundated with letters from mortified (and a few jubilant) readers -

“I hope they and their mothers are quite proud!”

“…vulgar and tasteless!”

“A-holes!”

And so on…but for what? Because we told the truth? America is a fickle mistress. You need only consider the recent controversy concerning James Frey, author of “A Million Little Pieces” who was crucified for exaggerating the facts, to see my point. God knows we wouldn’t want to share his awful fate (22 weeks on the NY Times Bestseller list). Crusty Colonel Jessup may be right.

Now I’m not crying “poor me”. Christ, I’ve got skin like Mexican leather. I’m just happy to live in a country where we can circulate this kind of dubious material without having our nuts chopped off. I can’t imagine it would be this easy for some poor enterprising Pakistani to publish The Infamous Rickshaw Driver’s Scam Bible, or Koran, as the case may be. Although, having ridden in quite a few rickshaws, I know for a fact they have a slew of ingenious angles and are every bit as cavalier about it as certain waiters and bartenders I’ve met.

"Hmmm...Maybe I should write these down."

The truth is we were compelled by the public record. The situation was so uniquely haywire and phenomenally out of control, that if we didn’t write it down, it would have been like spending the afternoon with Bigfoot or taking a ride with Elvis in a UFO and not telling anyone.

Despite state of the art computer systems and innovative safeguards, the sailors had developed such flawless technique that they effortlessly commandeered the ship and keelhauled the captains, time and time again. It was a real life Mutiny on the Bounty with no tribunal in sight. The owners were out of state, the workers had the whole place wired from stem to stern…and the managers? We had packs of frothing managers leashed up like duck hounds, one generation after another, chomping at the bit to void our checks and fetch our golden quarry. If they weren’t playing ball outright, then they were either skillfully outwitted or tied up in a Mexican standoff by some incriminating evidence – maybe they’d bought weed from a staff member with money from their house bank, or had a taste for the powder or plying the waitresses night after night with the company’s top shelf sauce, or were just downright incompetent – you know, the sort of pitfalls that managers often fall into and prefer to keep quiet. It used to infuriate the poor Chef, who’s food costs were often hovering between 80 and 90 percent, while the waiters bought houses and paid for flight lessons.

We’ve been accused by managers of scaring off customers and corrupting the workforce, by square-headed servers of giving the profession a bad name, and even by scamming waiters and bartenders of selling out all the best tricks of the trade (which is probably the best endorsement of all), all of which clearly vindicates us of any partisan effort whatsoever.

As you can see, we had no choice but to sing the ballad of the ol’ Bourbon Street restaurant and bar, of the golden years before Katrina and the curious events that contributed to her demise. Not only because it was the source of so much guilty pleasure; but because it was one of those unique confluences of human ingenuity that demands recognition.

So by all means, kill the messenger – but you’ll have to catch me first!

“Ten fathoms deep on the road to hell, Yo ho ho and a bottle o’ rum…”

Happy Mardis Gras!

2006-02-27T21:15:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Here's to laughing to keep from crying. Keep the dream alive, folks...HIC!...BURP!...Whoa...

In the Hot Seat

2006-02-15T21:30:00.000-08:00

Booz Nooz Interview with R.Chip DeGlinkta by Bevinco VP, Ian Foster

Two Bourbon Street waiters have just published How to Burn Down the House: the Infamous Waiter & Bartender’s Scam Bible. In this explosive book, R. Chip DeGlinkta and Peter Francis share detailed instructions on how to cheat a restaurant by scamming cash and merchandise without getting caught.

The book has caused quite a stir in the restaurant industry. DeGlinkta and Francis have been vilified for promoting theft and dishonesty. But, the way they tell it, this criticism is blaming the messengers – and missing the point.

“The Scam Bible,” says DeGlinkta, “is simply the most truthful portrait of the scamming bartender or waiter.”

Whether offensive or not, their book is a must-read for restaurant and bar operators. As they point out, this is the “other team’s playbook.” Thus, the book is full of proven ways to rip off a restaurant or bar. The authors maintain that they have seen each of the “scams” in action at various times in their careers as waiters or bartenders. Here is one example from page 61: “when the House is dumb enough to advertise free coupons...consider it (money)...straight into your bank account. It’s all free money for you so long as you can get your enterprising fives onto a limitless supply of the same coupons and match them up with items from previous transactions.”

This advice is followed by step-by-step instructions on exactly how to work this scam. For a final touch, the authors tell you how to “play it off” if you are caught. In other words, they coach the reader how to talk your way out of each of the scams.

Ian Foster interviewed one of the authors, Chip DeGlinkta, for BoozNooz.

BoozNooz: You paint a pretty bleak picture of a theft problem in the restaurant industry. Is it really as bad as it sounds?

Chip DeGlinkta: It’s probably much worse. Most waiters, and especially bartenders, are scamming at least $40 a night – even $150 or more on a good night if they have a good angle. I have personally seen people really shake-down places for $40 Gs a year. If you have four or five guys working together (especially with a dirty manager), you have a situation where you can kiss your business goodbye...I have seen this in seasonal places especially. I know people who work at places strictly for its “fleece-ability”. Since we wrote this book, it has been interesting how many different types of people have shared with us their experience of ripping off restaurants. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, even a forensic scientist approached the table one day and let out a hearty guffaw at the book’s title and couldn’t wait to tell me all the angles he had devised and perpetrated in his day.

BN: What percentage of bartenders or servers do you think are trying to find an angle to steal?

CD: 90%...easy – especially the bartenders because it is so ridiculously easy. However, I think most of them grow into it rather than actively look for it. Usually the angles present themselves and they develop a growing taste for it. Then it is only a matter of time until the easy money undermines their work ethic. It takes the pressure off when you no longer work for tips. All of a sudden the tables are turned and you don’t care if the jerk at table 13 tips you or not, because you are whacking him for $15 or $20 anyway. I can tell you, I haven’t met many bartenders that aren’t buried up to their elbows in the till. Many are just taking a little. But it all starts with $10 here or there. One thing leads to another and after a while you get used to making $50k a year by supplementing your income with scamming. It’s hard to walk away from at that point, and one thing’s for sure, you can never tell who is doing it. I worked with a sterling guy a few years ago. He was proud to be in the service industry and everyone admired him – he was pretty much an icon for a clean-cut trustworthy fellow. I found out later that he was splitting checks with staff. He would run a shift behind the bar and whack the owner big time; people are so corruptible, even good people. That doesn’t make them bad people and the duality is confusing to them.

BN: Why do you think theft is such a big problem in the restaurant industry in particular?

CD: It isn’t prosecuted. Petty restaurant theft is completely decriminalized in our society. What other industry lets someone steal $30,000 a year with no consequences besides a slap on the wrist or a pink slip in the unlikely event that the theft is detected? You’d get in more trouble stealing a pair of panties from JC Penney. When you read the book, you’ll probably notice that not only are the scams described, but also how to wriggle out of them if you get caught. These are often more ingenious than the scams themselves. Servers and bartenders know that if they have even a half-assed explanation, they will not get into any real trouble.

BN: Do employees think of it as theft?

CD: There is definitely a criminal element who makes no bones about it being theft and is motivated by seeing what he can get away with. But most employees just tend to want to even the score. Their manager is a dick or they feel that they aren’t being paid enough. For most, they make rationalizations like that all the time. Often it is bad management that provides an endless supply of rationalizations. They might have a coked-up or just a grab-assy manager who is trying to diddle the waitresses. He is short-tempered, plays favorites, over-worked, and doesn’t give a shit about his job or staff. We used to refer to it as the “Penal Code”. Your manager acts like a jerk? No problem. That will cost him $100 bucks! Every time! The same code goes for customers. For as long as the worker has been wedged between the aristocracy and the establishment, he has always found a way to get his (or her) slice of the pie.

BN: It seems to me that one bad apple can be quite influential. When new or inexperienced employees see their colleagues getting away with murder, they feel emboldened to join in. I think that some bars end up with a culture of theft. How much does peer example play into it?

CD: Big time...when you see someone walk out with twice the money for half the work, it wears on you. After awhile, you join in the fun.

BN: In your book you sound envious of the ease with which bartenders can steal?

CD: The bartender is the mack-daddy. He doesn’t need to have any subtlety; there is no need for him to try to be creative. He can scam as much as he likes without any real obstacles. Most managers are afraid NOT to trust their bartenders. For example, the bartender doesn’t have to worry too much about credit cards – a large number of his checks are settled with cash. That means there is no need for him to use some of the more creative scams, like Putting Them on Ice or the Carrion Check, to try to maneuver a check into a cash transaction. The bartender can scam to his heart’s content.

BN: We often encounter managers who don’t think they have a problem in their bar; they are almost in denial.

CD: That attitude is the root cause of the whole problem. Generally, it is just a defensive reflex, because it takes a lot of often unpleasant work and confrontation to get a restaurant or bar in shape. Since we wrote the book, I have had a lot of managers come up to me and say, “I have been managing for years and have seen it all. I know this isn’t happening in my restaurant. When I read your book, I already knew about all these scams.” I guarantee that these managers don’t know it all. In fact, they are the guys who the scammers love to screw the most.

BN: Why can’t a really strong manager eliminate theft by diligently watching for this stuff?

CD: First, most managers are so stressed and over-worked that they don’t take any preventative steps, and don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the whole issue. There may be an initial push after a meeting or after an owner chews them a new a-hole over food or liquor costs, but that quickly relaxes into the rigors and realities of everyday life. A lot of the scams are able to continue because the manager wants to be friends with his staff – he doesn’t want to be perceived as some kind of jerk. Pretty girls, in particular, get away with murder. The manager often doesn’t want to know if they are scamming, or at least he turns a blind-eye to the whole possibility. He doesn’t want to rock the boat and certainly doesn’t want to stop the flirting. Typically, like most people, he or she is afraid of confrontation. In addition, these scams are so quick to happen that it is not necessarily always incompetent management... although there is plenty of that.

BN: You are pretty hard on management in general in the book – referring to them in disparaging terms such as “Floordick”...

CD: Yeah, some managers are really offended by the book, but what would you call an incompetent manager who loses you thousands and thousands of dollars because he doesn’t do his job?

BN: Your book has been pretty controversial. I understand that some bookstores won’t stock it.

CD: A few bookstores and numerous people have decided that it takes a lenient if not celebratory view of petty crime and it offends their morals. Of course, they don’t have a problem with books or movies that glorify and celebrate “high crime”, like Silence of the Lambs, American Psycho, or Ocean’s Eleven. It is interesting that people clap uncontrollably when Hannibal Lector sautés someone’s brains, but some waiter hoses down a cheapskate guest or his jerk manager for 15 or 20 bucks and he’s Satan incarnate. We find that the book is ironic on many levels. But I think the criticism is a little misguided. The waiter who is already scamming already knows what works for him – he doesn’t need our book. The truth is, people learn more effectively when they’re excited. Let’s face it, there have been a lot of books written on this topic but I can’t tell you their names or who wrote them. People are angry at us, but this book is absolutely true. The light-hearted attitude towards stealing is reflected in all levels of our society and is particularly cavalier in the food and beverage industry, as personified by the doctors and forensic scientist I mentioned earlier. The Scam Bible is literally the other team’s playbook, and includes not only the plays, but the attitudes and opinions as well. If you don’t take yourself too seriously, you will probably find it both hilarious and extremely useful.

Pumpy Goes to College

2006-01-26T10:00:00.000-08:00

Pumpy
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

The daring exploits of America's most overworked and under-appreciated criminal, the Pump Handle, are now standard reading for students of the University of New Orleans' Hotel Restaurant Tourism program. You heard me right - the once reviled Scam Bible has made the erudite leap from fugitive underground classic to college textbook, and the students of Dr. Jeffrey Schaffer's HRT 3140 - "Cost Control in the Hospitality Industry" - are in for a real education.

You can imagine what a thrill it is for a couple of armchair anthropologists like Pete and myself, after years of thankless and patient observation, to be ushered into the hallowed halls of learning, our humble research awakening and edifying eager young minds along with giants like Louis Leakey, Dian Fossey, and other disciples of human nature. I guess we're kinda like those amateur astronomers that discovered that comet a few years back, the...umm...er...whatever that was.

Hey, it's a legitimate science and when you consider the most common profile for a sticky-fingered worker is a college-educated white male, it only makes sense they would eventually embrace their destiny so.

Pick it up at the UNO bookstore along with Fundamentals of Psycho-analysis by Sigmund Freud.

Happy Birthday, Edgar.

2006-01-19T10:35:00.000-08:00

(1809-1849)
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"Is everything we see or seem but a dream within a dream?"

- Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849)

Post-apocalyptic Folk Art

2006-01-17T09:31:00.000-08:00

Folk Art
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

There's a folky new modernism sweeping the blighted streets of New Orleans. Primitive yet somehow relevant.

New Digs

2006-01-09T07:01:00.000-08:00

Promethean Books HQ
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Boy, those empty threats I made about nuking Jefferson Parish really got the ball rolling. Barely 48 hours later and my girl’s FEMA trailer was rocked and ready on it’s new grassy plot in the West Bank. They hooked her up with a nice one too – king size bed, microwave, brand new frig, fancy plates and silverware, sub-woofers – the deluxe package.

They still fear my iron fist.

Still, my girl wants to trade the king size for a water bed, any info out there about FEMA trailer options or accessory kits? May as well do it up right, huh?

I suppose I owe those hillbillies an apology, but I was wickedly pissed at the time. I had just heard this cat on NPR bitching about the “riff-raff” from New Orleans invading their neighborhoods and parks with temporary encampments of FEMA trailers and I had to throw my colors up. You would think that people brave or foolish enough to return and try to rebuild New Orleans would be greeted like the Allied Forces, or at least a welcome pack of rubes.

Hey, who can really blame them? Nobody wants unexpected government housing in their neighborhood, even if it’s only for a year or so. As Houston can attest, absorbing any portion of New Orleans means accepting the likelihood that a certain number of your citizens will be ripped off, raped, murdered, or all three. Just the same, you can’t displace 1.1 million and expect to avoid refugee camps, and shouldn’t neighboring communities absorb the increase in crime before, or at least as readily, as neighboring states?

But in the end they managed to squeeze one more big fat diamond out of their ass and put a smile on my old lady’s face, so I forgive ‘em. Of course, she plopped hers down quietly in a friend’s back yard, so more than likely, the villagers are still patrolling their parks with pitchforks and torches. It’s turned positively Transylvanian down here.

MERRY X-MAS!

2005-12-24T23:26:00.000-08:00

Behave yourselves.

FIVE UP!

2005-12-22T10:25:00.000-08:00

Give it up for boss hustler, Ghetto Billy Dee, and his top CEO’s at SideStreet Hustler Entertainment - “A new breed of hustler who man up.”

“I’m on the grind,

I ain’t trippin’off birds and dames,

I’m tryin’ to flock the hood with byrds of cain…”

- J. Nickel

Blown to the four corners of the Earth in the greatest American Diaspora since the Dustbowl, the 5^th Ward is still spittin’ flames. You may have noticed a new blurb in the Post-Katrina Scam Bibles for “GRINDIN’ w/Lil’ Cash”, a radical new series from SSH’s Ghetto Billy Dee and Promethean Books' copy boy, Nigel Pickhardt. Rumor has it that self-proclaimed New Orleans publishing Maverick, J.F. Collins, approved the funding with a belligerent – “Five up!” - during a momentary lapse of sobriety in the Greek islands, where he’s been languishing on Ouzo and stuffed grape leaves in a Yugoslavian FEMA trailer since early September.

GRINDIN’ is slated for release sometime in 2006, so get ready!

Photo by Stephanie Thompson

“The Best Bookseller in America”

2005-12-17T10:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I spit-shined a Scam Bible and took it down to Austin’s Book People, anointed this year by Publisher’s Weekly as the “Best Bookseller in America”. I honestly thought they’d scoff at our little Rosemary’s baby, but I’ll be a monkey’s uncle – they took it!

In fact they loved it and thought it was so damn funny, they went and put it in the “Humor” section alongside the likes of Woody Allen, Steve Martin and a veritable pantheon of other comic legends. So if you happen to be around 6th and Lamar, right across from Waterloo Records (ironically voted “Retailer of the Year 2005”) scrambling for a last minute gift for that black sheep in your family, let me suggest a winning combination – the Scam Bible and a copy of Black Sabbath’s Greatest Hits. They’ll think you finally understand them.

Nuke Jefferson Parish

2005-12-16T16:48:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

The friendly residents of Jefferson Parrish have thrown a helpful stick in the spokes of this whole FEMA debacle by refusing to allow delivery of any more trailers to the area. That’s first hand from my girlfriend who’s been jumping thru hoops to receive one on a spot she’d lined up there for quite some time now. When she called to check the status yesterday she was blindsided by this latest delay.

For those of you who’ve been in Botswanaland for the last 6 months, these are the same a-holes that brandished firearms and turned back fleeing New Orleanians on the Mississippi Bridge and who’s Sherriff’s Department was reprimanded for using cut outs of Little Black Sambo for target practice. Of course, during Mardis Gras and other colorful New Orleans-based festivities you can’t get these toothless f***in’ Yats to leave the city. Talk about fair weather friends.

Hey, I can dig it. They want their cake and eat it too. I say we give it to ‘em, but make it a tasty uranium cake. Let’s nuke the selfish bastards. We'll make the whole Parish a FEMA trailer park, be done with the KKK and finally oust Harry Lee all in one fell swoop.

Onward Thru the Fog!

2005-12-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

If you’re in Austin, Texas and you need a new screen for your massive multi-chambered bubbler or maybe you just have a hankering for some classic Crumb, the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers or a good ol’ Zap Comic, you’ll find a new member to the Underground Classic’s shelf at Oat Willies. That’s right – the fabulous furry “Scam Bible” is now available at Oat Willies - Austin’s oldest and coolest head shop at 29th and Rio Grande.

This is especially sentimental for me, having spent a good deal of time in there as a kid ogling the many exciting smoking devices, not to mention the High Times and vast selection of underground comics - and of course, mohawked and slam dancing across the street at Studio 29 to the likes of the Dicks, Big Boys, the Offenders and so many other great Austin punk bands in the early 80's. After Hurricane Katrina, we washed up in Austin, where we’ve set up a satellite office for now. It’s New Orleans’ sister city, believe it or not, which makes perfect sense considering all the music and culture.

Another great spot to pick up a Scam Bible in Austin and have a cool experience is MonkeyWrench Bookstore at 110 E. North Loop – “an all volunteer book collective, specializing in new and used radical books and periodicals”. This is a really cool little place if you have a chance to stop in. The people are ultra-idealistic and friendly. They all work there for free, just to keep the place afloat and because they love to read. The place is regularly vandalized by Republicans, who spray paint obscenities with this type of acid that actually permanently etches the plate glass windows. What a bunch of a-holes, eh? I am tickled pink that their arrogant local pundit, Tom DeLay is going down for such a base crime as money laundering. They really are just a bunch of punks.

Anyway, this place comes across like maybe City Lights Books in San Francisco was in the old days, before they turned into a vapid tourist attraction. I’ll tell you, I have never been so disgusted with a bookstore as when I tried to get City Lights to pick up the Scam Bible. They were so f***ing pretentious, it was almost impossible to talk with them. I have to admit it was doubly disparaging because “Love in the Days of Rage” a short novel by its deceased founder, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, really changed my life. I’ll bet he’s spinning in his grave.

Still Smiling

2005-12-12T21:17:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood leads on to fortune: omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries."

- William Shakespeare

"Still Smiling" by New Orleans photographer, Stephanie Thompson.

In the bathroom at Promethean Books HQ, this turtle somehow remained pristine after 5 weeks, despite a veritable coral reef of mold that sprouted all around her. It struck me as very auspicious.

The National "No Help" List

2005-12-11T23:39:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Recap: Sunday August 28th, late on the eve of Hurricane Katrina, my girlfriend, our two cats, Moe and Kasey, a two-legged rescue cat named Zebra, Marty the Bulldog and myself, crammed into our spacious Toyota Corolla and inched westward on I-10 towards Austin. We begrudgingly evacuated New Orleans just in the nick of time thanks to a barrage of prophetic phone calls from tearful and persistent relatives. I have to admit we were in total denial at first. Like many weathered New Orleanians, we’d grown immune to the annual hype. So, we picked up a few flicks, stocked our Lakeview bungalow with assorted munchies and the old lady iced down enough wine coolers for a week or so of cozy tropical lovemaking.

Reason struck like lightning at the last possible moment. I think it was when a local anchorwoman said– “There’s still time. If you haven’t left yet, get the hell out!” All the blood rushed out of my extremities, my wiener shriveled up, and our cavalier attitude transformed into one of utter panic and impending doom. I ran around in circles chastising myself, while my girlfriend methodically gathered all the animals, loaded us into the car and then we left.

I’m a big talk radio fan, but between New Orleans and Houston, the choices are pretty much limited to Jesus or neo-con jackasses. I was feeling a little abandoned by Jesus, so I opted for Clear Channels’ stable of braying Rush Limbaugh wannabees.

Unfortunately, all they could talk about was shouldering the burden of these foolhardy bumpkins who had been stupid enough to build their communities along the treacherous Gulf Coast, and especially New Orleans which flat spat in the face of common sense altogether. Add to that the occasional moony, with their “divine payback” theories – e.g. “the city that the damned call home” and so forth - and you have the makings of a disenheartening 17 hour retreat. Christ, the storm was yet to make ground fall and these a-holes were ready to give us back to the French, or the Devil - whichever was less expensive!

Listen, I’m no qualified political commentator or psychologist, but as a longtime waiter and bartender I know a thing or two about “fiscally conservative” which is really just PC for “cheap”. And I don’t mean that to be insulting. It’s a legitimate disorder, with a scientific name and everything. It’s called parsimony – “unusual or excessive frugality, extreme economy or stinginess”. That’s why I didn’t take it personal. But it made me think. Maybe they just need a way out.

Here’s an idea. Let’s take the high road and petition on their behalf. We’ll gather all their names, and have them politely excluded from American Society. I figure we can call it the National “No Help” List. Once complete, I’ll submit it to the powers that be, who can then work out the details and make it official. That way, when a killer twister touches down or a dam breaks, or the earth’s crust spits molten lava on their little black lawn jockeys, they won’t be sitting around waiting for a check or bottled water. Of course they’ll be ineligible for a seat on the Mothership or a national bomb shelter lottery in the event of nuclear fallout. I guess they’ll just have to mutate, but at least they'll have their precious tax dollars.

You’ll have to help me out. I signed up a few well-known peckerwoods to get the ball rolling.

Nat’l “No Help” List -

1. Sean Hannity
2. Neil Cavuto
3. Bill O’Reilly
4.

Dry Scam Bibles For Sale

2005-10-26T05:49:00.000-07:00

As you well know, 1000's of Scam Bibles, stored in our ill-fated office one block from the 17th street breach, were literally transformed into pulp fiction by the infamous storm of the century.

That's life, but we are finally back in business with a whole gangload of these shiny new underground classics. Needless to say their collector's value has soared due to recent scarcity, but we are still peddling them for the same reasonable price.

Whether a tricky Halloween treat for your little gremlin in the business, or to add a humorous touch to your lavish Thanksgiving table, the Scam Bible makes an extremely useful gift throughout the Holiday Season.

FOR BULK DISCOUNT INFO OR SPECIAL OFFERS CONTACT:

info@prometheanbooks.com

OR CALL 888-672-9018

There you have it.

Stay tuned,

Chip

Katrina, you bitch!

2005-09-02T13:01:00.000-07:00

Just a note to thank everyone for their continued support and patience during this dificult time in New Orleans. Dry Scam Bibles are on the way and despite the unavoidable delays, all incoming orders have been carefully documented and will be fullfilled shortly.

We send our hopes and prayers out to all affected residents of the great city of New Orleans, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, the Gulf Coast, and all affected regions, as well as their families. Let's get through this, roll up our sleeves, and get back to work! Best of luck.

Servus Praedatorius

2005-08-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

What is so damn funny about hosing down restaurants and guests?

Once it finally hit me, I couldn't stop laughing, but I still don't see why exactly... I know there couldn't be a more evil and degrading pastime -

lying in wait like some common brigand...

playing the casual, but really calculating and scheming all the while...

waiting...

and then...

WHACK!

"Got one!"

The thrill of the hunt...

It's not high-minded stuff, but it is so duplicitous and predatory, in such a benign and even sacred environment that it deserves a little respect. These guys must have ice water in their veins.

But many people strongly disagree - and justifiably so, when you consider they foot the bill for between 15 and 20 billion in "whacks" every year.

The sticky-fingered waiter, or servus praedatorius* as he (or she) is known in scientific circles, is a true enigma.

His persistent suckling is the death knell to a restaurant or bar's bottom line. Yet, no matter how much the little red-faced restaurateur stamps his feet and pulls out his few remaining hairs, the Pump Handle** remains firmly ensconced in the hearts and minds of the people - a working class vigilante of sorts, dealing out a well-deserved ass-whoopin' to the often unreasonable manager and aristocratic guest.

"Leave 'em alone! They're just kids and artist's for Christ's sake!"

"Aw, they're just young and reckless, and besides look how those jerks treat' em!"

And of course, everybody loves an outlaw. Buying rounds of drinks with the Boss Man's cash and handing out extra big tips to your busboys and coworkers doesn't exactly hurt your popularity.

"Hey, I paid my way through college with this one!" laughed the self-proclaimed Forensic Scientist, paging feverishly through the Scam Bible at our Field Ops booth in the New Orleans French Market.

At that, I knew I was face to face with a true servus praedatorius - intellectual, an eye for advancement, and a pragmatic moral outlook. Characteristics that have borne them gently from the nurturing womb of the Food and Beverage Industry through all walks of life - Wall Street, Corporate America, Medicine, Law, Politics, Education, and so on.

Does the customer get screwed? Of course. Is the restaurant or bar owner left holding the bag? Indubitably. They why all the hee haws? Good question. You tell me, if you figure it out.

Maybe we're just laughing to keep from crying.

We've been sharply criticized for taking a light-hearted, if not celebratory view of the creature, but to be honest, when I start to get that holier than thou feeling, all I have to do is think of that Forensic Scientist and consider who might be performing my next autopsy.

That's enough to make anyone abstain from moral judgment.

*Latin: [plundering slave]
**Street terminology denoting an accomplished scamster