Ask The Scam Oracle

The Book that Sparked a Revolution

2008-04-29T12:40:00.001-07:00

"If you think waiters are powerless tip slaves - guess again!" - Steve Dublanica, aka "The Waiter", author of Waiter Rant

"An eye-opener for the 100 million of us who eat out every day." - Lynn Scherr, ABC 20/20

"The dirty little secrets of restaurants - revealed!" - Good Morning America

Study up!

For Bulk Discount info and to order the latest copies of "How to Burn Down the House: The Infamous Waiter and Bartender's Scam Bible by Two Bourbon Street Waiters" visit scambible.com or contact:

info@scambible.com
Ph. 504-710-8154
Fx. 504-910-3088

PO BOX 15487
New Orleans, La 70175

Don't eat out until you read this book!

Smart Money

2007-04-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

Click on the title above to view co-author Peter Francis' commentary in April's Smart Money Magazine. Also, look for us at the upcoming Los Angeles Food Show in August and in your town. We are constantly canvassing the country bringing our caustic, quizzical, but extremely useful message to an oblivious public and industry, regularly ravished and hosed down by scam-savvy marxist workers. Sound like a conspiracy? Shameless glitz and marketing? You tell me, but I'll tell you from experience - nothing warms the cockles of a scammers heart like denial.

New Orleans Book Fair 2006

2006-09-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

Racontuers, pseudo and non-pseudo intellectuals alike, writers,poets ,real live living and breathing anarchists,Hippies ,Yippies, Zinesters,artists ,ZEITGEIST and more.

Saturday October 28th, 10am till 6pm , Barristers Gallery, 1724 Oretha Castle Haley Blvd. NEW ORLEANS ,LOUISIANNA....yeah you right.

Meet Chip and Peter and get the newest edition fresh off the printer signed ,and we encourage picture taking.

Barristers Gallery is the home of ZEITGEIST and its mad genius leader Renee. Back in in the golden age of New Orleans , 1996, Renee and I worked with TRIBE MAGAZINE and "DEHYDRATED AT DAWN AT CAFE DUMONDE" poet Douglas Brinkley on the 48 HOUR INSOMNIACATHON which was a couple of kicks in the shins and a corn stomp of good fun.
Tempus Fugit and then some deja vu to really bend it around and here we are in present time again shuffling off to the New Orleans Book Fair. Sat Oct 28.
Check out the site : nolabookfair.com

Orange Alert!

2006-08-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

Let’s get the word out, comrades! No matter how fast I stoke the flames with these lil' devils, there’s still 100’s of millions of people in America who've yet to read the Scam Bible. Criminy, that’s a lot of books and a lot of potential targets. We’ve got a crisis on our hands, as if it wasn’t bad enough already. I’ve got mountains of Scam Bibles bearing down on my FEMA trailer like coal slag.

Trust me, disseminating this arcane know-how is the best thing for everyone involved. The working men and women deserve a little respect, the restaurant and bar owners are losing their asses, and the poor customers don’t have a clue.

Don’t take my word for it -

“An eye-opener for the 100 million of us who eat out every day.”
– Lynn Scherr, ABC 20/20

“If you think waiters are powerless tip slaves – guess again!”
– The Waiter, waiterrant.net

“If you ever plan on eating in a restaurant, you need to read this book.”
- Wayne Resnick, KFI 640 AM, Los Angeles

“A must read for restaurant and bar operators.”
- Bevinco

There’s something here for everyone. Heck, do what I did. Get a couple of thousand of these bad boys and stack’em up against the door jams to hold back the flood waters.

Just kidding, don’t do that...it doesn’t work.

See you soon.

Fox News Channel: Tommorrow @ 6:52am Eastern

2006-06-20T18:05:00.000-07:00

Any sane person would be in bed, but if you're a basket case like me, tune in to Fox News Channel at 6:52 am Tommorrow June 21st for a little Scam Bible with your coffee.

ABC News 20/20

2006-06-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

Tune in to 20/20 Tommorrow, June 16th, at 10pm Eastern to check out our interview with Lynn Scherr. We had a great time in New York and they treated us like kings, but God knows they'll probably crucify us...and I guess we deserve it.

World Tour 2006: Southwest Foodservice Expo, June 25th

2006-05-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

That's right, we're coming to your town. We're stumping this amoral smut from coast to coast, pole to pole, in reeking gin joints and arabesque hippodromes, teepees, church tents, railroad cars...to "bums and angels" if they'll listen. We don't play favorites and aren't too proud to snatch a lollypop from a crying baby for 15 minutes of glory.

If you've been reading Peter Francis' Up From the Skies series, you may have got the idea we've embraced this rambling, gypsy lifestyle that began after Hurricane Katrina, and you'd be right. What could be more natural? In the olden days, hard working bible salesmen canvassed the highways and byways of our great country, indulging the thirsty rapture of lonesome housewives by day, and preaching in tin cup amphitheaters to congregations of hobos and dreamers by night. Well, let me tell you, the life of a modern day Scam Bible salesman is not much different.

Our next stop is HOUSTON, TEXAS JUNE 25^th @ THE SOUTHWEST FOODSERVICE EXPO – “Whoa! The what…where!?” I didn’t stutter, cowboy. The Texas Restaurant Association has been kind enough to ask us, of all people, a couple of no good Marxist klepto-anarchists, to speak and sign books at their annual convention. I was agape at the news myself, and frankly a little suspicious. For all I know we could be walking into an ambush. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that 27,000 angry restaurant and bar people and two infamous scamming waiters could amount to one hell of a lynchin’, but…the boys at Promethean Books assured us it was worth the risk.

For schedule & booking information call toll free (888)-672-9018 or email info@prometheanbooks.com.

Tales from Ol' Bourbon Street: The Brazilian

2006-04-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

The Brazilian’s approach was simple, but extremely effective – take one check and use that baby over and over until it’s falling apart in your sweaty money-soaked palms. To sweeten the odds, he refused to work any shifts except the lunch buffet, so his orders were pretty uniform. But if push came to shove, he wasn’t afraid to stick the square peg in the round hole…

“(ahem)..uh…sir? I think you gave us the wrong bill. This says iced tea, but we had two margaritas.”

He’d examine the check with marked concentration, then bashfully concede,

“Oops! (shrug) Well…today ju lucky day, baby. Margarita, iced tea, same price, o.k.? ” (wink)

Why punch a gift horse in the mouth?

He had an uncanny knack for overcoming objections and applying his magic ticket to just about any group of items. Sometimes he’d use the same check for weeks at a time, regarding the really old ones with an almost superstitious affection. His pet phrase, “I don’t work for tips”, became the credo for all enlightened waiters and bartenders at the Ol’ Bourbon Street restaurant, and he wasn’t kidding. The Brazilian cared about one thing and one thing only – whacking as many buffets as humanly possible in a 6 hour shift - service be damned. He’d let his customers rot on the vine, and even though I knew they’d done nothing to deserve it, I derived a good deal of perverse pleasure out of watching them turn beet red, twitching and squirming to catch his attention as he flirted with the new hostess or smoked cigarettes and fingered his giant wad of bills out in front of the restaurant. Even ass-kissing waiters indulge a certain quiet sadism at a customer’s mistreatment, and I was no different.

In truth, to most waiters, the customer is guilty until proven innocent. If he conducts himself correctly, tips generously, and quickly vacates the table after consuming his food at a reasonably fast and undemanding pace, well between the hours of opening and closing, only then is he regarded as an exception to the unpleasant stereotype, and once the check is paid, his unique case is quickly forgotten.

The Brazilian was waging his own personal assault on the US economy. Sometimes, after an obscenely profitable shift or when he was feeling morally challenged, he would wax defiantly…

“Ju know, Cheep, when United States coming to Brazil, they fucking us beeg time. They stealing our resource y corroopting to the government. So, when I coming United States, I fucking them, too…ju know?”

It seemed fair enough.

Back home he’d squandered a small fortune, along with his reputation, playing the options in the Brazilian stock market. So he decided to skedaddle and chase a long time dream. An accomplished surfer, he embarked on his own Endless Summer, touring the world’s most exotic surf spots with his two miniature schnauzers. After being kicked out of Australia and Indonesia for working illegally, he landed in the Port of New Orleans, flat broke, with an eye to restock his war chest before returning to Brazil to reclaim his crown in Rio’s financial district and marry his childhood sweetheart. His plan was to bank a cool fifty G’s, by hook or by crook, and what better place to do it than the French Quarter’s lucrative restaurant and bar scene. In the right spot with the right kind of managers, you can make that in a year, plus tips. He was more than half way there when I met him.

I don’t know why he took me under his wing. He must have seen in me some poor rube working way too hard for his money or maybe, like most people, he was simply brimming with pride. At any rate, he taught me his only trick, what I later found out was known by insider’s as the Buffet Scam, an entry level maneuver popular with up and comers. But the Brazilian had taken it to a whole new level. He was the essence of stark simplicity combined with a solid sack of stones; he used the oldest scam in the book and flat pillaged like there was no tomorrow. I admit, I’ve had the pleasure of working with far more artful grifters who implemented vast, elaborate repertoires and prided themselves on mastering high tech POS scams like the Wagonwheel and others, but none of them minted money hand over fist like the Brazilian and his mighty recycled checks.

Besides sticking it to the restaurant, he had a few angles on the side. In fact, he used to dabble in the same scam that George Bush’s sticky-fingered buddy, Claude Allen, made famous, snatching and returning items at mega-stores like Walmart and Target. His favorites were the fishing reels.

You might say he ushered me into the Dark Side or maybe he just shed first light on the mysterious duality of man. He was without a doubt a taker, but he was a giver as well. He was always shoplifting steaks and bottles of wine and dropping by for impromptu cookouts.

“I know the manager of the supermarket,” he'd say with a shit eating grin, and for quite some time I actually believed him.

Not to mention, he was trusting enough to divulge to me the legendary and mysterious Brazilian pick-up style. A technique that he’d all but perfected, and by which he parlayed his pathological imagination and brief knowledge of several romance languages into an unbelievable amount of pussy.

The last time I saw the Brazilian he was shirtless and shitfaced in the doorway of the Ol’ Bourbon Street restaurant, screaming empty threats at the terrified manager who was hiding in the kitchen. She was a busty little vixen who’d done just about everyone in the place except for him and I think he took it personal. It may not be in the employee handbook to shag the whole staff, but despite that small infraction, she was a company woman to the core and probably the only honest and competent manager in the place. They were always going at it, and she’d canned him earlier that day when one of their arguments got out of hand. I think she probably knew what he was up to, but lacking evidence, settled for the old standby, insubordination. Oh well…he was a surfer, and there’s no doubt he rode one hell of a pipeline before eating it on the filthy red bricks of Bourbon Street.

In the end I learned one extremely important lesson. With very little Italian and a passable BMW you can easily convince American girls that you’re a wealthy European jetsetter come to the US to breed the family stud and shop for award-winning thoroughbreds. And once they believe that - the sky’s the limit.

Bom sorte, Brasileiro.

Kill the Messenger

2006-03-08T11:39:00.000-08:00

“You can’t handle the truth!” – Colonel Nathan Jessup

He’s right you know. It’s best to candy coat everything, or else be prepared to take it on the chin. Americans like their truth like they like their liquor- a few like it straight, but most prefer it with a sugary sweet mixer, and some flat don’t partake at all. Then there’s the spin-doctors who take up your barstools blowing smoke up your ass and sipping Shirley Temples. They never tip and never shut-up. It’s all pretty complicated. Unless you’ve spent a year or two as a thankless tray jockey, you aren’t likely to grasp that kind of potent metaphor.

Any working class Joe or Josephine will tell you, there’s no education like what you get from slogging it out in the trenches with your fellow peons. Which begs the question - with all the slogging we’d done, why weren’t we educated enough to take or own advice and candy coat the Scam Bible, at least a little bit? Well, there’s no accounting for self-destructive behavior. That’s genetic. Like a couple of rubes, we rolled the dice, and martyred ourselves for first amendment rights and a good laugh. Also, we had no idea the whole country was in such a state of abject denial. Had we only picked up a newspaper!

According to Todd Price, the journalist who wrote the Scam Bible’s controversial cover story – “Turning the Tables” - for the the New Orleans’ Gambit, no story in the paper’s history had initiated so much public outcry. The Editor’s desk was literally inundated with letters from mortified (and a few jubilant) readers -

“I hope they and their mothers are quite proud!”

“…vulgar and tasteless!”

“A-holes!”

And so on…but for what? Because we told the truth? America is a fickle mistress. You need only consider the recent controversy concerning James Frey, author of “A Million Little Pieces” who was crucified for exaggerating the facts, to see my point. God knows we wouldn’t want to share his awful fate (22 weeks on the NY Times Bestseller list). Crusty Colonel Jessup may be right.

Now I’m not crying “poor me”. Christ, I’ve got skin like Mexican leather. I’m just happy to live in a country where we can circulate this kind of dubious material without having our nuts chopped off. I can’t imagine it would be this easy for some poor enterprising Pakistani to publish The Infamous Rickshaw Driver’s Scam Bible, or Koran, as the case may be. Although, having ridden in quite a few rickshaws, I know for a fact they have a slew of ingenious angles and are every bit as cavalier about it as certain waiters and bartenders I’ve met.

"Hmmm...Maybe I should write these down."

The truth is we were compelled by the public record. The situation was so uniquely haywire and phenomenally out of control, that if we didn’t write it down, it would have been like spending the afternoon with Bigfoot or taking a ride with Elvis in a UFO and not telling anyone.

Despite state of the art computer systems and innovative safeguards, the sailors had developed such flawless technique that they effortlessly commandeered the ship and keelhauled the captains, time and time again. It was a real life Mutiny on the Bounty with no tribunal in sight. The owners were out of state, the workers had the whole place wired from stem to stern…and the managers? We had packs of frothing managers leashed up like duck hounds, one generation after another, chomping at the bit to void our checks and fetch our golden quarry. If they weren’t playing ball outright, then they were either skillfully outwitted or tied up in a Mexican standoff by some incriminating evidence – maybe they’d bought weed from a staff member with money from their house bank, or had a taste for the powder or plying the waitresses night after night with the company’s top shelf sauce, or were just downright incompetent – you know, the sort of pitfalls that managers often fall into and prefer to keep quiet. It used to infuriate the poor Chef, who’s food costs were often hovering between 80 and 90 percent, while the waiters bought houses and paid for flight lessons.

We’ve been accused by managers of scaring off customers and corrupting the workforce, by square-headed servers of giving the profession a bad name, and even by scamming waiters and bartenders of selling out all the best tricks of the trade (which is probably the best endorsement of all), all of which clearly vindicates us of any partisan effort whatsoever.

As you can see, we had no choice but to sing the ballad of the ol’ Bourbon Street restaurant and bar, of the golden years before Katrina and the curious events that contributed to her demise. Not only because it was the source of so much guilty pleasure; but because it was one of those unique confluences of human ingenuity that demands recognition.

So by all means, kill the messenger – but you’ll have to catch me first!

“Ten fathoms deep on the road to hell, Yo ho ho and a bottle o’ rum…”

Happy Mardis Gras!

2006-02-27T21:15:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Here's to laughing to keep from crying. Keep the dream alive, folks...HIC!...BURP!...Whoa...

In the Hot Seat

2006-02-15T21:30:00.000-08:00

Booz Nooz Interview with R.Chip DeGlinkta by Bevinco VP, Ian Foster

Two Bourbon Street waiters have just published How to Burn Down the House: the Infamous Waiter & Bartender’s Scam Bible. In this explosive book, R. Chip DeGlinkta and Peter Francis share detailed instructions on how to cheat a restaurant by scamming cash and merchandise without getting caught.

The book has caused quite a stir in the restaurant industry. DeGlinkta and Francis have been vilified for promoting theft and dishonesty. But, the way they tell it, this criticism is blaming the messengers – and missing the point.

“The Scam Bible,” says DeGlinkta, “is simply the most truthful portrait of the scamming bartender or waiter.”

Whether offensive or not, their book is a must-read for restaurant and bar operators. As they point out, this is the “other team’s playbook.” Thus, the book is full of proven ways to rip off a restaurant or bar. The authors maintain that they have seen each of the “scams” in action at various times in their careers as waiters or bartenders. Here is one example from page 61: “when the House is dumb enough to advertise free coupons...consider it (money)...straight into your bank account. It’s all free money for you so long as you can get your enterprising fives onto a limitless supply of the same coupons and match them up with items from previous transactions.”

This advice is followed by step-by-step instructions on exactly how to work this scam. For a final touch, the authors tell you how to “play it off” if you are caught. In other words, they coach the reader how to talk your way out of each of the scams.

Ian Foster interviewed one of the authors, Chip DeGlinkta, for BoozNooz.

BoozNooz: You paint a pretty bleak picture of a theft problem in the restaurant industry. Is it really as bad as it sounds?

Chip DeGlinkta: It’s probably much worse. Most waiters, and especially bartenders, are scamming at least $40 a night – even $150 or more on a good night if they have a good angle. I have personally seen people really shake-down places for $40 Gs a year. If you have four or five guys working together (especially with a dirty manager), you have a situation where you can kiss your business goodbye...I have seen this in seasonal places especially. I know people who work at places strictly for its “fleece-ability”. Since we wrote this book, it has been interesting how many different types of people have shared with us their experience of ripping off restaurants. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, even a forensic scientist approached the table one day and let out a hearty guffaw at the book’s title and couldn’t wait to tell me all the angles he had devised and perpetrated in his day.

BN: What percentage of bartenders or servers do you think are trying to find an angle to steal?

CD: 90%...easy – especially the bartenders because it is so ridiculously easy. However, I think most of them grow into it rather than actively look for it. Usually the angles present themselves and they develop a growing taste for it. Then it is only a matter of time until the easy money undermines their work ethic. It takes the pressure off when you no longer work for tips. All of a sudden the tables are turned and you don’t care if the jerk at table 13 tips you or not, because you are whacking him for $15 or $20 anyway. I can tell you, I haven’t met many bartenders that aren’t buried up to their elbows in the till. Many are just taking a little. But it all starts with $10 here or there. One thing leads to another and after a while you get used to making $50k a year by supplementing your income with scamming. It’s hard to walk away from at that point, and one thing’s for sure, you can never tell who is doing it. I worked with a sterling guy a few years ago. He was proud to be in the service industry and everyone admired him – he was pretty much an icon for a clean-cut trustworthy fellow. I found out later that he was splitting checks with staff. He would run a shift behind the bar and whack the owner big time; people are so corruptible, even good people. That doesn’t make them bad people and the duality is confusing to them.

BN: Why do you think theft is such a big problem in the restaurant industry in particular?

CD: It isn’t prosecuted. Petty restaurant theft is completely decriminalized in our society. What other industry lets someone steal $30,000 a year with no consequences besides a slap on the wrist or a pink slip in the unlikely event that the theft is detected? You’d get in more trouble stealing a pair of panties from JC Penney. When you read the book, you’ll probably notice that not only are the scams described, but also how to wriggle out of them if you get caught. These are often more ingenious than the scams themselves. Servers and bartenders know that if they have even a half-assed explanation, they will not get into any real trouble.

BN: Do employees think of it as theft?

CD: There is definitely a criminal element who makes no bones about it being theft and is motivated by seeing what he can get away with. But most employees just tend to want to even the score. Their manager is a dick or they feel that they aren’t being paid enough. For most, they make rationalizations like that all the time. Often it is bad management that provides an endless supply of rationalizations. They might have a coked-up or just a grab-assy manager who is trying to diddle the waitresses. He is short-tempered, plays favorites, over-worked, and doesn’t give a shit about his job or staff. We used to refer to it as the “Penal Code”. Your manager acts like a jerk? No problem. That will cost him $100 bucks! Every time! The same code goes for customers. For as long as the worker has been wedged between the aristocracy and the establishment, he has always found a way to get his (or her) slice of the pie.

BN: It seems to me that one bad apple can be quite influential. When new or inexperienced employees see their colleagues getting away with murder, they feel emboldened to join in. I think that some bars end up with a culture of theft. How much does peer example play into it?

CD: Big time...when you see someone walk out with twice the money for half the work, it wears on you. After awhile, you join in the fun.

BN: In your book you sound envious of the ease with which bartenders can steal?

CD: The bartender is the mack-daddy. He doesn’t need to have any subtlety; there is no need for him to try to be creative. He can scam as much as he likes without any real obstacles. Most managers are afraid NOT to trust their bartenders. For example, the bartender doesn’t have to worry too much about credit cards – a large number of his checks are settled with cash. That means there is no need for him to use some of the more creative scams, like Putting Them on Ice or the Carrion Check, to try to maneuver a check into a cash transaction. The bartender can scam to his heart’s content.

BN: We often encounter managers who don’t think they have a problem in their bar; they are almost in denial.

CD: That attitude is the root cause of the whole problem. Generally, it is just a defensive reflex, because it takes a lot of often unpleasant work and confrontation to get a restaurant or bar in shape. Since we wrote the book, I have had a lot of managers come up to me and say, “I have been managing for years and have seen it all. I know this isn’t happening in my restaurant. When I read your book, I already knew about all these scams.” I guarantee that these managers don’t know it all. In fact, they are the guys who the scammers love to screw the most.

BN: Why can’t a really strong manager eliminate theft by diligently watching for this stuff?

CD: First, most managers are so stressed and over-worked that they don’t take any preventative steps, and don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the whole issue. There may be an initial push after a meeting or after an owner chews them a new a-hole over food or liquor costs, but that quickly relaxes into the rigors and realities of everyday life. A lot of the scams are able to continue because the manager wants to be friends with his staff – he doesn’t want to be perceived as some kind of jerk. Pretty girls, in particular, get away with murder. The manager often doesn’t want to know if they are scamming, or at least he turns a blind-eye to the whole possibility. He doesn’t want to rock the boat and certainly doesn’t want to stop the flirting. Typically, like most people, he or she is afraid of confrontation. In addition, these scams are so quick to happen that it is not necessarily always incompetent management... although there is plenty of that.

BN: You are pretty hard on management in general in the book – referring to them in disparaging terms such as “Floordick”...

CD: Yeah, some managers are really offended by the book, but what would you call an incompetent manager who loses you thousands and thousands of dollars because he doesn’t do his job?

BN: Your book has been pretty controversial. I understand that some bookstores won’t stock it.

CD: A few bookstores and numerous people have decided that it takes a lenient if not celebratory view of petty crime and it offends their morals. Of course, they don’t have a problem with books or movies that glorify and celebrate “high crime”, like Silence of the Lambs, American Psycho, or Ocean’s Eleven. It is interesting that people clap uncontrollably when Hannibal Lector sautés someone’s brains, but some waiter hoses down a cheapskate guest or his jerk manager for 15 or 20 bucks and he’s Satan incarnate. We find that the book is ironic on many levels. But I think the criticism is a little misguided. The waiter who is already scamming already knows what works for him – he doesn’t need our book. The truth is, people learn more effectively when they’re excited. Let’s face it, there have been a lot of books written on this topic but I can’t tell you their names or who wrote them. People are angry at us, but this book is absolutely true. The light-hearted attitude towards stealing is reflected in all levels of our society and is particularly cavalier in the food and beverage industry, as personified by the doctors and forensic scientist I mentioned earlier. The Scam Bible is literally the other team’s playbook, and includes not only the plays, but the attitudes and opinions as well. If you don’t take yourself too seriously, you will probably find it both hilarious and extremely useful.

Pumpy Goes to College

2006-01-26T10:00:00.000-08:00

Pumpy
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

The daring exploits of America's most overworked and under-appreciated criminal, the Pump Handle, are now standard reading for students of the University of New Orleans' Hotel Restaurant Tourism program. You heard me right - the once reviled Scam Bible has made the erudite leap from fugitive underground classic to college textbook, and the students of Dr. Jeffrey Schaffer's HRT 3140 - "Cost Control in the Hospitality Industry" - are in for a real education.

You can imagine what a thrill it is for a couple of armchair anthropologists like Pete and myself, after years of thankless and patient observation, to be ushered into the hallowed halls of learning, our humble research awakening and edifying eager young minds along with giants like Louis Leakey, Dian Fossey, and other disciples of human nature. I guess we're kinda like those amateur astronomers that discovered that comet a few years back, the...umm...er...whatever that was.

Hey, it's a legitimate science and when you consider the most common profile for a sticky-fingered worker is a college-educated white male, it only makes sense they would eventually embrace their destiny so.

Pick it up at the UNO bookstore along with Fundamentals of Psycho-analysis by Sigmund Freud.

Happy Birthday, Edgar.

2006-01-19T10:35:00.000-08:00

(1809-1849)
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"Is everything we see or seem but a dream within a dream?"

- Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849)

Post-apocalyptic Folk Art

2006-01-17T09:31:00.000-08:00

Folk Art
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

There's a folky new modernism sweeping the blighted streets of New Orleans. Primitive yet somehow relevant.

New Digs

2006-01-09T07:01:00.000-08:00

Promethean Books HQ
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Boy, those empty threats I made about nuking Jefferson Parish really got the ball rolling. Barely 48 hours later and my girl’s FEMA trailer was rocked and ready on it’s new grassy plot in the West Bank. They hooked her up with a nice one too – king size bed, microwave, brand new frig, fancy plates and silverware, sub-woofers – the deluxe package.

They still fear my iron fist.

Still, my girl wants to trade the king size for a water bed, any info out there about FEMA trailer options or accessory kits? May as well do it up right, huh?

I suppose I owe those hillbillies an apology, but I was wickedly pissed at the time. I had just heard this cat on NPR bitching about the “riff-raff” from New Orleans invading their neighborhoods and parks with temporary encampments of FEMA trailers and I had to throw my colors up. You would think that people brave or foolish enough to return and try to rebuild New Orleans would be greeted like the Allied Forces, or at least a welcome pack of rubes.

Hey, who can really blame them? Nobody wants unexpected government housing in their neighborhood, even if it’s only for a year or so. As Houston can attest, absorbing any portion of New Orleans means accepting the likelihood that a certain number of your citizens will be ripped off, raped, murdered, or all three. Just the same, you can’t displace 1.1 million and expect to avoid refugee camps, and shouldn’t neighboring communities absorb the increase in crime before, or at least as readily, as neighboring states?

But in the end they managed to squeeze one more big fat diamond out of their ass and put a smile on my old lady’s face, so I forgive ‘em. Of course, she plopped hers down quietly in a friend’s back yard, so more than likely, the villagers are still patrolling their parks with pitchforks and torches. It’s turned positively Transylvanian down here.

MERRY X-MAS!

2005-12-24T23:26:00.000-08:00

Behave yourselves.

FIVE UP!

2005-12-22T10:25:00.000-08:00

Give it up for boss hustler, Ghetto Billy Dee, and his top CEO’s at SideStreet Hustler Entertainment - “A new breed of hustler who man up.”

“I’m on the grind,

I ain’t trippin’off birds and dames,

I’m tryin’ to flock the hood with byrds of cain…”

- J. Nickel

Blown to the four corners of the Earth in the greatest American Diaspora since the Dustbowl, the 5^th Ward is still spittin’ flames. You may have noticed a new blurb in the Post-Katrina Scam Bibles for “GRINDIN’ w/Lil’ Cash”, a radical new series from SSH’s Ghetto Billy Dee and Promethean Books' copy boy, Nigel Pickhardt. Rumor has it that self-proclaimed New Orleans publishing Maverick, J.F. Collins, approved the funding with a belligerent – “Five up!” - during a momentary lapse of sobriety in the Greek islands, where he’s been languishing on Ouzo and stuffed grape leaves in a Yugoslavian FEMA trailer since early September.

GRINDIN’ is slated for release sometime in 2006, so get ready!

Photo by Stephanie Thompson

“The Best Bookseller in America”

2005-12-17T10:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I spit-shined a Scam Bible and took it down to Austin’s Book People, anointed this year by Publisher’s Weekly as the “Best Bookseller in America”. I honestly thought they’d scoff at our little Rosemary’s baby, but I’ll be a monkey’s uncle – they took it!

In fact they loved it and thought it was so damn funny, they went and put it in the “Humor” section alongside the likes of Woody Allen, Steve Martin and a veritable pantheon of other comic legends. So if you happen to be around 6th and Lamar, right across from Waterloo Records (ironically voted “Retailer of the Year 2005”) scrambling for a last minute gift for that black sheep in your family, let me suggest a winning combination – the Scam Bible and a copy of Black Sabbath’s Greatest Hits. They’ll think you finally understand them.

Nuke Jefferson Parish

2005-12-16T16:48:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

The friendly residents of Jefferson Parrish have thrown a helpful stick in the spokes of this whole FEMA debacle by refusing to allow delivery of any more trailers to the area. That’s first hand from my girlfriend who’s been jumping thru hoops to receive one on a spot she’d lined up there for quite some time now. When she called to check the status yesterday she was blindsided by this latest delay.

For those of you who’ve been in Botswanaland for the last 6 months, these are the same a-holes that brandished firearms and turned back fleeing New Orleanians on the Mississippi Bridge and who’s Sherriff’s Department was reprimanded for using cut outs of Little Black Sambo for target practice. Of course, during Mardis Gras and other colorful New Orleans-based festivities you can’t get these toothless f***in’ Yats to leave the city. Talk about fair weather friends.

Hey, I can dig it. They want their cake and eat it too. I say we give it to ‘em, but make it a tasty uranium cake. Let’s nuke the selfish bastards. We'll make the whole Parish a FEMA trailer park, be done with the KKK and finally oust Harry Lee all in one fell swoop.

Onward Thru the Fog!

2005-12-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

If you’re in Austin, Texas and you need a new screen for your massive multi-chambered bubbler or maybe you just have a hankering for some classic Crumb, the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers or a good ol’ Zap Comic, you’ll find a new member to the Underground Classic’s shelf at Oat Willies. That’s right – the fabulous furry “Scam Bible” is now available at Oat Willies - Austin’s oldest and coolest head shop at 29th and Rio Grande.

This is especially sentimental for me, having spent a good deal of time in there as a kid ogling the many exciting smoking devices, not to mention the High Times and vast selection of underground comics - and of course, mohawked and slam dancing across the street at Studio 29 to the likes of the Dicks, Big Boys, the Offenders and so many other great Austin punk bands in the early 80's. After Hurricane Katrina, we washed up in Austin, where we’ve set up a satellite office for now. It’s New Orleans’ sister city, believe it or not, which makes perfect sense considering all the music and culture.

Another great spot to pick up a Scam Bible in Austin and have a cool experience is MonkeyWrench Bookstore at 110 E. North Loop – “an all volunteer book collective, specializing in new and used radical books and periodicals”. This is a really cool little place if you have a chance to stop in. The people are ultra-idealistic and friendly. They all work there for free, just to keep the place afloat and because they love to read. The place is regularly vandalized by Republicans, who spray paint obscenities with this type of acid that actually permanently etches the plate glass windows. What a bunch of a-holes, eh? I am tickled pink that their arrogant local pundit, Tom DeLay is going down for such a base crime as money laundering. They really are just a bunch of punks.

Anyway, this place comes across like maybe City Lights Books in San Francisco was in the old days, before they turned into a vapid tourist attraction. I’ll tell you, I have never been so disgusted with a bookstore as when I tried to get City Lights to pick up the Scam Bible. They were so f***ing pretentious, it was almost impossible to talk with them. I have to admit it was doubly disparaging because “Love in the Days of Rage” a short novel by its deceased founder, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, really changed my life. I’ll bet he’s spinning in his grave.

Still Smiling

2005-12-12T21:17:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood leads on to fortune: omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries."

- William Shakespeare

"Still Smiling" by New Orleans photographer, Stephanie Thompson.

In the bathroom at Promethean Books HQ, this turtle somehow remained pristine after 5 weeks, despite a veritable coral reef of mold that sprouted all around her. It struck me as very auspicious.

The National "No Help" List

2005-12-11T23:39:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Recap: Sunday August 28th, late on the eve of Hurricane Katrina, my girlfriend, our two cats, Moe and Kasey, a two-legged rescue cat named Zebra, Marty the Bulldog and myself, crammed into our spacious Toyota Corolla and inched westward on I-10 towards Austin. We begrudgingly evacuated New Orleans just in the nick of time thanks to a barrage of prophetic phone calls from tearful and persistent relatives. I have to admit we were in total denial at first. Like many weathered New Orleanians, we’d grown immune to the annual hype. So, we picked up a few flicks, stocked our Lakeview bungalow with assorted munchies and the old lady iced down enough wine coolers for a week or so of cozy tropical lovemaking.

Reason struck like lightning at the last possible moment. I think it was when a local anchorwoman said– “There’s still time. If you haven’t left yet, get the hell out!” All the blood rushed out of my extremities, my wiener shriveled up, and our cavalier attitude transformed into one of utter panic and impending doom. I ran around in circles chastising myself, while my girlfriend methodically gathered all the animals, loaded us into the car and then we left.

I’m a big talk radio fan, but between New Orleans and Houston, the choices are pretty much limited to Jesus or neo-con jackasses. I was feeling a little abandoned by Jesus, so I opted for Clear Channels’ stable of braying Rush Limbaugh wannabees.

Unfortunately, all they could talk about was shouldering the burden of these foolhardy bumpkins who had been stupid enough to build their communities along the treacherous Gulf Coast, and especially New Orleans which flat spat in the face of common sense altogether. Add to that the occasional moony, with their “divine payback” theories – e.g. “the city that the damned call home” and so forth - and you have the makings of a disenheartening 17 hour retreat. Christ, the storm was yet to make ground fall and these a-holes were ready to give us back to the French, or the Devil - whichever was less expensive!

Listen, I’m no qualified political commentator or psychologist, but as a longtime waiter and bartender I know a thing or two about “fiscally conservative” which is really just PC for “cheap”. And I don’t mean that to be insulting. It’s a legitimate disorder, with a scientific name and everything. It’s called parsimony – “unusual or excessive frugality, extreme economy or stinginess”. That’s why I didn’t take it personal. But it made me think. Maybe they just need a way out.

Here’s an idea. Let’s take the high road and petition on their behalf. We’ll gather all their names, and have them politely excluded from American Society. I figure we can call it the National “No Help” List. Once complete, I’ll submit it to the powers that be, who can then work out the details and make it official. That way, when a killer twister touches down or a dam breaks, or the earth’s crust spits molten lava on their little black lawn jockeys, they won’t be sitting around waiting for a check or bottled water. Of course they’ll be ineligible for a seat on the Mothership or a national bomb shelter lottery in the event of nuclear fallout. I guess they’ll just have to mutate, but at least they'll have their precious tax dollars.

You’ll have to help me out. I signed up a few well-known peckerwoods to get the ball rolling.

Nat’l “No Help” List -

1. Sean Hannity
2. Neil Cavuto
3. Bill O’Reilly
4.

Dry Scam Bibles For Sale

2005-10-26T05:49:00.000-07:00

As you well know, 1000's of Scam Bibles, stored in our ill-fated office one block from the 17th street breach, were literally transformed into pulp fiction by the infamous storm of the century.

That's life, but we are finally back in business with a whole gangload of these shiny new underground classics. Needless to say their collector's value has soared due to recent scarcity, but we are still peddling them for the same reasonable price.

Whether a tricky Halloween treat for your little gremlin in the business, or to add a humorous touch to your lavish Thanksgiving table, the Scam Bible makes an extremely useful gift throughout the Holiday Season.

FOR BULK DISCOUNT INFO OR SPECIAL OFFERS CONTACT:

info@prometheanbooks.com

OR CALL 888-672-9018

There you have it.

Stay tuned,

Chip

Katrina, you bitch!

2005-09-02T13:01:00.000-07:00

Just a note to thank everyone for their continued support and patience during this dificult time in New Orleans. Dry Scam Bibles are on the way and despite the unavoidable delays, all incoming orders have been carefully documented and will be fullfilled shortly.

We send our hopes and prayers out to all affected residents of the great city of New Orleans, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, the Gulf Coast, and all affected regions, as well as their families. Let's get through this, roll up our sleeves, and get back to work! Best of luck.

Servus Praedatorius

2005-08-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

What is so damn funny about hosing down restaurants and guests?

Once it finally hit me, I couldn't stop laughing, but I still don't see why exactly... I know there couldn't be a more evil and degrading pastime -

lying in wait like some common brigand...

playing the casual, but really calculating and scheming all the while...

waiting...

and then...

WHACK!

"Got one!"

The thrill of the hunt...

It's not high-minded stuff, but it is so duplicitous and predatory, in such a benign and even sacred environment that it deserves a little respect. These guys must have ice water in their veins.

But many people strongly disagree - and justifiably so, when you consider they foot the bill for between 15 and 20 billion in "whacks" every year.

The sticky-fingered waiter, or servus praedatorius* as he (or she) is known in scientific circles, is a true enigma.

His persistent suckling is the death knell to a restaurant or bar's bottom line. Yet, no matter how much the little red-faced restaurateur stamps his feet and pulls out his few remaining hairs, the Pump Handle** remains firmly ensconced in the hearts and minds of the people - a working class vigilante of sorts, dealing out a well-deserved ass-whoopin' to the often unreasonable manager and aristocratic guest.

"Leave 'em alone! They're just kids and artist's for Christ's sake!"

"Aw, they're just young and reckless, and besides look how those jerks treat' em!"

And of course, everybody loves an outlaw. Buying rounds of drinks with the Boss Man's cash and handing out extra big tips to your busboys and coworkers doesn't exactly hurt your popularity.

"Hey, I paid my way through college with this one!" laughed the self-proclaimed Forensic Scientist, paging feverishly through the Scam Bible at our Field Ops booth in the New Orleans French Market.

At that, I knew I was face to face with a true servus praedatorius - intellectual, an eye for advancement, and a pragmatic moral outlook. Characteristics that have borne them gently from the nurturing womb of the Food and Beverage Industry through all walks of life - Wall Street, Corporate America, Medicine, Law, Politics, Education, and so on.

Does the customer get screwed? Of course. Is the restaurant or bar owner left holding the bag? Indubitably. They why all the hee haws? Good question. You tell me, if you figure it out.

Maybe we're just laughing to keep from crying.

We've been sharply criticized for taking a light-hearted, if not celebratory view of the creature, but to be honest, when I start to get that holier than thou feeling, all I have to do is think of that Forensic Scientist and consider who might be performing my next autopsy.

That's enough to make anyone abstain from moral judgment.

*Latin: [plundering slave]
**Street terminology denoting an accomplished scamster

Episode Eight

2005-06-13T06:31:00.000-07:00

Poe Blog
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"In the year 1843 Edgar Allan Poe penned the first American Scam Bible and shocked a child-like nation. Now, over 150 years later, the text remains a cornerstone in the education of aspiring "diddlers" the world over. Enjoy."

- Peter Francis

Promethean Books presents

Episode Eight

"DIDDLING:
Considered as One of the Exact Sciences"

By Edgar Allan Poe

"A bold diddle is this. A camp-meeting, or something similar, is to be held at a certain spot which is accessible only by means of a free bridge. A diddler stations himself upon the bridge, respectfully informs all passers by of the new county law, which establishes a toll of one cent for foot passengers, two for horses and donkeys, and so forth, and so forth. Some grumble, but all submit, and the diddler goes home a wealthier man by some fifty or sixty dollars well earned. This taking toll from a great crowd is a troublesome thing.

A neat diddle is this. A friend holds one of the diddlers promises to pay, filled up and signed in due form, upon the ordinary blanks printed in red ink. The diddler purchases one or two dozen of these blanks, and every day dips one of them in his soup, makes his dog jump for it, and finally gives it to him as a bonne bouche. The note arriving at maturity, the diddler, with the diddlers dog, calls upon the friend, and the promise to pay is made the topic of discussion. The friend produces it from his escritoire, and is in the act of reaching it to the diddler, when up jumps the diddler's dog and devours it forthwith. The diddler is not only surprised but vexed and incensed at the absurd behavior of his dog, and expresses his entire readiness to cancel the obligation at any moment when the evidence of the obligation shall be forthcoming."

(to be continued)

"Angels for Sale!"

2005-05-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

Field Ops
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Another typical day at the Field Ops booth in the New Orleans French Market.

"I think that's obnoxious!"

"What part in particular, ma'm?" (knowing full well she'd never read a single line)

"Just the image, and...and the name- Scam Bible!"

It was the Devil that got under her skin. She'd felt his icy touch aeons ago, and now mistook the Pump Handle for her long lost Prince of Darkness. There is an eerie similarity if you buy into that rubbish, but no dice. Pumpy's just a street smart working boy with bills to pay like everybody else.

"Well, I think it's obnoxious to hear your Benny Hinn tell people he'll to send an angel to their door for a couple of hundred bucks. At least I deliver on my promise, and for a lot cheaper. Can I sign a copy for you?"

I actually appreciated the frank response for a change. Most of these southern-fried biblebumpkins can barely articulate a dirty look. For a split second, the old bird made me feel like Jerry Springer- sweet success!

In truth, I'll bet Jesus himself would laugh at the waiter's hilarious bag of tricks. You don't make it through that kind of trial and tribulation without a damn good sense of humor.

Shing-a-lings

2005-05-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

CD Reviews by Mr. Shing-a-Ling

The Books- Lost and Safe (sound collage, folktronica)

     In my last review I talked about music as ambience, non-linear audio environments. Using electronic or organic means to create a field of sound that can be appreciated in a "Gestalt" sort of way, the whole experience being more that the sum of its parts. Many ambient artists use recordings from the field in their works. They look for inspiration in rural and urban environments, perhaps incorporating the distant roar of a factory or the clanking of a chain on a flag pole into the their compositions. But one thing that is missing from all ambient (and should be by definition) is a lead part or a melody. And sorry, no guitar solos. But not all sound artists have looked at found sound in terms of only ambient possibilities. There are some who hear actual musical or melodical stuctures in the environment. Obvious examples are bird songs. A close friend of mine who is currently getting his PhD is composition has looked to birds for inspiration in melodic development. And anyone who has listened deeply to Jazz players such as Eric Dolphy or Wayne Shorter can find moments in certain solos where the chirping notes of thier saxes transfrom into almost animalistic biological expressions. Human speech can also contain highly melodic possibilities. Minimalist composer, Steve Reich, saw this back in the 60's and used interviews from various speakers to form his compositions, most notibley on his masterpiece "Different Trains" where he lets the spoken word dictate the melodic and rhytmatic essence of the musical pieces he creates.
    Sound artists, The Books, two musicians from two different sides of the Atlantic, have tapped into the melodic potential of the spoken word. Lost and Safe comes as their third album and it mostly stays true to the same musical vision as on the first two. They encorporate plenty of live instumentation, notably guitar, banjo, and violin into cut up and reassembled pieces of sound which include people speaking, children playing, laughs, and grunts. One can't help but imagine the amount of time that must have gone into such a seemingly delicate arrangement of sounds, so called musical or non-musical. The Books are one of the few artists in modern "electronic music" that absolutely don't sound electronic at all. In fact, they might be filed in the folk section of a CD store due to the huge folk-like presence in thier music. They seem to draw alot of influence from grass roots America. The only thing electronic going on here is the electronic manipuation of oranic sounds. It's sound editing as an instrument. How these guys tour live (and I guess they have started doing it) is beyond me. It's pure studio genius. But both of the musicians in The Books can play thier instruments damn well which I guess explains their innate ability to arrange found sounds in such a musical way.
   Some highlights on Lost and Safe are "Be Good To Them Always", where snippits of voice redordings seem selected for their highly emotional content. All these different voices coming together in some magical way and accompanied by rythmatic acoustic guitars and violins. And "An Animated Description of Mr. Maps", which is driven by what seems to be the rustling of footsteps and slamming of doors with several levels of vocals and strategically placed sound samples.
    Artists like The Books are reminding us all of the musical world around us, suggesting that you don't always have to look to "musical instruments" for musical possibilities. Music is alive and well in the voices of your friends, the humming of the insects, or the chiming of a distant clock tower.

Episode 7

2005-05-13T07:10:00.000-07:00

Poe Blog
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Welcome to yet another Poe Blog w/Peter Francis.

"Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum.."

-Peter Francis

Promethean Books presents

Episode Seven of

"DIDDLING: Considered as One of the Exact Sciences"

By Edgar Allan Poe

"A very simple diddle, indeed, is this. The captain of a ship which is about to sail, is presented by an official looking person, with an unusually moderate bill of city charges. Glad to get off so easily, and confused by a hundred duties pressing upon him all at once, he discharges the claim forthwith. In about fifteen minutes, another and less reasonable bill is handed to him by one who soon makes it evident that the first collector was a diddler, and the original collection a diddle.
And here, too, is a somewhat similar thing, A steamboat is casting loose from the wharf. A traveller, portmanteau in hand, is discovered running towards the wharf at full speed. Suddenly, he makes a dead halt, stoops, and picks up something from the ground in a very agitated manner. It is a pocket book, and- "Has any gentleman lost a pocket book?" he cries. No one can say that he has exactly lost a pocket-book; but a great excitement ensues, when the treasure trove is found to be of value. The boat, however, must not be detained.
"Time and tide wait for no man," says the captain.
"For God's sake, stay only a few minutes," says the finder of the book- "the true claimant will presently appear."
"Can't wait!" replies the man in authority; "cast off there, d' ye hear?"
"What am I to do?" asks the finder, in great tribulation. "I am about to leave the country for some years, and I cannot conscientiously retain this large amount in my possession. I beg your pardon, sir," [here he addresses a gentleman on shore,] "but you have the air of an honest man. Will you confer upon me the favor of taking charge of this pocket-book - I ,em>know I can trust you - and of advertising it? The notes, you see, amount to a very considerable sum. The owner will, no doubt, insist upon rewarding you for your trouble - "
"Me - no, you! - it was you who found the book."
"Well, if you must have it so - I will take a small reward - just to satisfy your scruples. Let me see - why these notes are all hundreds - bless my soul! a hundred is too much to take - fifty would be quite enough, I am sure - "
"Cast off there!" says the captain.
"But then I have no change for a hundred, and upon the whole, you had better - "
"Cast off there!" says the captain.
"Never mind!" cries the gentleman on shore, who has been examining his own pocket-book for the last minute or so - "never mind! I can fix it - here is a fifty on the Bank of North America - throw mw the book."
And the over-conscientious finder takes the fifty with marked reluctance, and throws the gentleman the book, as desired, while the steamboat fumes and fizzes on her way. In about a half an hour after her departure, the "large amount" is seen to be a "counterfeit presentment," and the whole thing is a capital diddle.

(To be continued...)

The Tattooed FloorDick

2005-05-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

Field Ops
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Something happened at the Field Ops booth the other day that reminded me of another great use for the Scam Bible.

One of those tattooed-from-head-to-toe types passed by the table, exhibiting the usual mating-like behavior that occurs when someone is trying to get up the gumption to step up and let us know they're pissed about our silly little book. This always unfolds in just about the same way-

First there's an initial jolt of recognition followed by a brief but concerted stare as their brain retrieves the unpleasant memory or tries to make sense of the cover's subtly satanic elements. Next, afraid of being noticed, they quickly avert their eyes and shuffle on down a couple of booths, stopping to fidget with some chinese trinket or whatnot, all the while nervously glancing back, and attempting to regain their composure. Finally, they make a wide circle, peeping not so subtly over rows and rows of knock-off purses and African handicrafts, just like they were a kid again, and eventually, if they muster the courage, wind up back at the table, where I greet them knowingly, but real friendly-like:

"How goes it, sir? Don't be shy. It's one of the only hilarious criminal repertoires in existence. I'll bet Kenneth Lay got his start as a scamming waiter, blah, blah, blah..." (or something like that)

This guy just nodded his head, and forced a smile, or at least I think he smiled, because he was so covered with tattoos that what seemed like his mouth might well have been an oriental carp or part of his indigenous New Zealand war pattern. I mean this cat was covered. Ouch!

I'll admit, at first I fell victim to the old stereotype that all tattooed guys are sailors or ex-cons- hip, in short, so being that I love the sea and have always been a little morally challenged, I figured we'd have something to talk about.

So much for that. This guy couldn't have been more square.

"I own a bar." He said, staring at me intensely, as if he expected a dramatic reaction.

"Sorry to hear that, Queequeg" I shrugged. "How much you want for it?"

Then he made a disturbing confession:

"I caught one of my employees reading this the other day, so I grabbed it from him and slapped him upside the head with it."

What the f#@ck?!! ... What a dick! ... But that wasn't all:

"Actually, it was my dishwasher."

Wow. A poor, overworked, underpaid dishwasher, taking a break on his pickle bucket and trying to get a laugh from his brand new book. Say no more. Ever wonder how certain restaurant managers earned the term "FloorDick"? Which brings me to that other great use for your Scam Bible. If you're minding your own business and some a-hole walks up and slaps you with your own copy- snatch it back, roll it up tightly, and jam it in his f#@king eye. Then proceed to beat the tarshit out of him to your heart's content. Trust me, nobody cries for jerks like that, so do us all a favor and give him a proper ass-whoopin'.

Episode 6

2005-04-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

Poe Blog
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Welcome to this week's Poe Blog w/Peter Francis.

"Edgar you old Pump Handle you!"

-Peter Francis

Promethean Books presents

Episode Six of

"DIDDLING: Considered as One of the Exact Sciences"

By Edgar Allan Poe

"Again, quite a respectable diddle is this. A well-dressed individual enters a shop; makes a purchase to the value of a dollar; finds, much to his vexation, that he has left his pocket book in another coat pocket; and so says to the shop-keeper-

"My dear sir, never mind! - just oblige me, will you, by sending the bundle home? But stay! I really believe that I have nothing less than a five dollar bill, even there. However, you can send four dollars in change with the bundle, you know."

"Very good, sir," replies the shop-keeper, who entertains, at once, a lofty opinion of the high-mindedness of his customer. "I know fellows," he says to himself, "who would just have put the goods under their arm, and walked off with a promise to call and pay the dollar as they came by in the afternoon."

A boy is sent with the parcel and change. On the route, quite accidentally, he is met by the purchaser, who exclaims:

"Ah! this is my bundle, I see - I thought you had been home with it, long ago. Well, go on! My wife, Mrs. Trotter, will give you the five dollars - I left instructions with her to that effect. The change you might as well give to me - I shall want some silver for the Post Office. Very good! One, two, - is this a good quarter? - three, four - quite right! Say to Mrs. Trotter that you met me, and be sure now and do not loiter on the way."

The boy doesn't loiter at all - but he is a very long time in getting back from his errand - for no lady of the precise name of Mrs. Trotter is to be discovered. He consoles himself, however, that he has not been such a fool as to leave the goods without the money, and re-entering his shop with a self-satisfied air, feels sensibly hurt and indignant when his master asks him what has become of the change.

(To be continued...)

Shing-a-lings

2005-04-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

Talk Amongst the Trees
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

CD Reviews by Mr. Shing-A-Ling

Eluvium- Talk Amongst The Trees (Ambient)

Back in the early 70's Brian Eno came up with a somewhat new music style he dubbed "ambient". The impetus behind creating this music was to give the listener something that they could put in or on the stereo that woundn't necessarily demand all of your attention but could be enjoyed as part of the environment. A kind of background music with intelligence. Eno believed that sounds he created on tape could be integrated with whatever pre-existing sonic field you happen to be in.
The structure of ambient was entirely different than the accepted melodic formula. Music styles as disparate as Punk and Classical had some kind of melodic, linear function. But with ambient, the listener could walk out of the room for 10 minutes then come back and slip right back into that realm of sound and not miss a beat. You can imagine that this kind of approach was mostly scoffed at an ignored by most at first. Perhaps in a similar way in which the general public regarded the paintings of Jackson Pollock. People say, "Its not real art" or "It takes no skill." And to the untrained eye or the unaware ear perhaps it seems very much that way. And there have been and still are a plethora of bad Pollock and Eno imitators. For those who enjoy the ambient works of Eno and Harold Budd, the musical artist Eluvium out of Portland, Oregon is something you've gotta check out. I'm super picky when it comes to ambient music and these guys made the cut big time. So-called ambient music has seen a big revitalization in the last 10 years or so with acts like Aphex Twin bringing it to the "rave/electronic" crowd. Ambient, in the 90's" became a term that Djs and mixers used for the mellow music they played after raves or all-night ecstasy-fueled parties. People would just chill out to the tones and drones after hours of sonic assaults and mechanical beats. But most of this "ambient" in my opinion is pure crap. Its no better than easy-listening or generic space-music. It takes a certain gift to create good ambient. Perhaps in the same way it does to make minimalist art. Eluvium has this gift. All the sounds you hear on this album are organically derived. Overdriven guitars and backwards feedback beautifully mixed into long swells of atmospheric space. These songs will take you places if you let them. I had an experience driving here in Colorado out on a huge expansive plain between mountain ranges and listening to this album. Like some kind of sonic cloak, it enshrouded the entire interior of the vehicle and glided me along the alpine roadway.
I listen to a lot of music which has a lot of action going on in it which stimulates the mind, but also it can make it tired, taxed and saturated. It nice to have something like Eluvium's Talk Amongst the Trees in your collection. It lets your brain breathe a little. As I believe John Cage once said, "It's the next best thing to silence."

Episode 5

2005-04-11T16:57:00.000-07:00

Poe Blog
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Welcome to this week's Poe Blog w/Peter Francis. (A day late I'm afraid, but just as tasty)

"Here's a ballsy maneuver if I've ever seen one."

-Peter Francis

Promethean Books presents

Episode Five of

"DIDDLING:

Considered as One of the Exact Sciences"

The origin of the diddle is referrible to the infancy of the Human race. Perhaps the first diddler was Adam. At all events, we can trace the science back to a very remote period of antiquity. The moderns, however, have brought it to a perfection never dreamed of by our thick-headed progenitors. Without pausing to speak of the "old saws", therefore, I shall content myself with a compendious account of some of the more "modern instances."

A very good diddle is this. A housekeeper in want of a sofa, for instance, is seen to go in and out of several cabinet warehouses. At length she arrives at one offering an excellent variety. She is acosted, and invited to enter, by a polite and voluble individual at the door. She finds a sofa well-adapted to her views, and upon inquiring the price, is surprised and delighted to hear a sum named at least twenty per cent lower than her expectations. She hastens to make the purchase, gets a bill and receipt, leaves her address, with request that the article be sent home as speedily as possible, and retires amid a profusion of bows from the shop-keeper. The night arrives and no sofa. The next day passes and still none. A servant is sent to make inquiry about the delay. The whole transaction is denied. No sofa had been sold - no money recieved - except by the diddler who played shop-keeper for the nonce.

Our cabinet warehouses are left entirely unattended, and thus afford every facility for a trick of this kind. Visitors enter, look at furniture, and depart unheeded and unseen. Should anyone wish to purchase, or to inquire the price of an article, a bell is at hand, and this is considered amply sufficient.

(To be continued...)

Shing-a-lings

2005-04-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

What We Must
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

CD Reviews by Mr. Shing-a-Ling

Jaga Jazzist-What We Must (forward thinking-jazz, progressive)

When did Jazz become such a dirty word? What do most young people imagine when they hear this four-letter word? I guess either they remember the hot chick that played the flute in the first row back in junior high jazz ensemble or they might think about the flacid and spiritless "jazz" music that the local "Smooth Jazz" station whips up 24-7. The word itself, like rock, can containÂ a vast spectrum of styles and approaches in the CD bins at your local music store.
There was a time when Jazz was the underground. It was cutting edge american music. Artists such as Charlie Parker, Miles Davis and Ornette Coleman were pushing things forward with totally fresh sounds. Making it the most stimulating music around...tapping into your booty as well as your cerebral cortex. But over the years, like most good art genres, something got lost. I believe the real zietgiest for Jazz ended in the late 60's. After that, people just freaked out on the overwhelming quality of insanely good music from the 40's, 50's and 60's. It took a while for the general public to catch on to it and by the time they did, it was already done like dinner.
At some point, a few musicans decided that trying to sound just like Rollins or Coltrane was not what they wanted to do in this recently stagnating field of music. In this game there are those who will reproduce and those who will go out on a limb and try something new.
I believe that the Jaga Jazzist (an ensemble out of Norway) are one of these artists. Now, while they are not breaking any mindblowing new territory, the band is very adventurous in its explorations of jazz, rock andÂ electronica. I have always felt that the coolest jazzlike music in the 70's and 80's and perty much still to this day came out of Europe. It seems that the creative baton was handed over to them sometime after Miles did Bitches Brew in 69.(That album itself starring a few Europeans) Jaga Jazzist is quite a large outfit enlisting something like 8 or 9 musicians. In the mix you'll hear all manor of horns, saxes, guitars,vibes, percussion and other stuff.
This is I believe the 3rd major release for them. The last album ,entitiled "The Stix" was a favorite of mine for that year. Such a nice blend of 60's jazz sensiblities and modern production with sweet treatments. Its a risky think fusing Jazz and Dance music. And its a path well-beaten. But whereas most of the artists going down this route rely more on the electronic side...just snipping and sampling bits of jazz heads and runs and then laying those down over programmed beats and what not, Jaga Jazzist are all well trained musicians with that forward-thinking edge using technology artfully to advance this aging art in a new direction. Breathing a little life into a slowly decaying medium.
This new album sees the Jazzist going down a slightly different avenue than "The Stix". That album had a very consistent tone throughout: energetic electro jazz fusion. This time they are all over the map. "For All You Happy People" slowly unravles with close recorded reeds and electric guitar creating a sort of cinematic moodscape. It reminds me of the music from another fine release, reed player, Lars Horntveth's 2003 solo release,"Pooka". Check that one out too!
And then on another track, "Hotel", the progressive rock flag comes out waving high. Spacious guitar riffs, airy synths, treated swirling wind instruments, acoustic drums, and piano all brought together with intellegent production. Keep your ears peeled on whats coming out of Oslo these days, you might become a closet nord-phile like myself. Grade: A-

Episode 4

2005-04-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

Poe Blog
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Welcome to this Sunday's Poe Blog w/Peter Francis.

"..."

-Peter Francis

Promethean Books presents

Episode Four of

"DIDDLING:

Considered as One of the Exact Sciences"

(continued from 3/31/05)

Originality: - Your diddler is original - conscientiously so. His thoughts are his own. He would scorn to employ those of another. A stale trick is his aversion. He would return a purse, I am sure, upon discovering that he had obtained it by an unoriginal diddle.

Impertinence: - Your diddler is impertinent. He swaggers. He sets his arms a-kimbo. He thrusts his hands in his trowsers' pockets. He sneers in your face. He treads on your corns. He eats your dinner, he drinks your wine, he borrows your money, he pulls your nose, he kicks your poodle, and he kisses your wife.

Grin: - Your true diddlers winds up all with a grin. But this nobody sees but himself. He grins when his daily work is done- when his allotted labors are accomplished- at night in his own closet, and altogether for his own private entertainment. He goes home. He locks his door. He divests himself of his clothes. He puts out his candle. He gets into bed. He places his head upon the pillow. All this done, and your diddler grins. This is no hypothesis. It is a matter of course. I reason a priori, and a diddle would be no diddle without a grin.

(To be continued...)

Shing-a-lings

2005-03-31T11:03:00.000-08:00

CD reviews by Mr. Shing-a-Ling

The Go Find: Miami (Electronica, Lap-pop)

When you flip on the radio these days and turn to the popular stations it is seriously depressing at how the overall quality of pop music has plummeted to the deepest of depths. And certainly pop music has for some time now been regarded as predictable and disposable and those craving more innovative interesting music turn to other genres such as Jazz, World, Classic and contemporary symphonic music, avant-garde or whatever.
The MTV music of the 80's (Duran Duran, Tears for Fears, Toto, all those gems) which was at the time scoffed at, made fun of, and even dispised, now seems quite listenable (new word) in comparison to what's being offered by the big record companies. Pop has quite simply become crap. You can probably trace the roots to the serious decline in quality to the advent of MTV and the physical image of the artist becoming a huge part of the whole thing.
Well. For those who miss quality pop music we're in luck. Riding on the wave of the newly dubbed "lap-pop" music scene popularized by such artists as The Postal Service and Junior Boys, a new pop project comes to us out of Belgium calling itself The Go Find. Here we have all of the elements we miss from good pop music. Spacious studio layering of altered guitar lines, rich vocals with nice harmonies, sputtering electric and acoustic percussion, and a whole lot of lap top enrichment all coming together and making this release an extremely enjoyable one. They've managed to create a CD with 10 songs that are very dyanamic and at the same time catchy. These are songs to drive to. And if needed....sing to.
Suprisingly, there is very little known about this band even in the indie circles. When I heard it, I thought, "This is the stuff that should be gracing the airwaves nowadays." It's a shame that it's not. Bad music for the masses means bad minds all around. Good music is good nourishment, Sha-shing!!!!!!!! Grade: A-

Adem: Homesongs (folktronica, it's own thing)

Adem is Adem Ilhan from the collaborative experimental unit Fridge. Fridge spawned the increasingly popular Kieran Hebden aka Four Tet. Fridge was one of those groups that were making it harder and harder to file Cd's in their respective catagories at places like Tower and Virgin Records. Is it Rock? Electonica? Folk? Porno Music? What!? Fridge used all acoustic instruments: guitars, basses, bells, even xylophones and children's voices and then went to town with the lap top manipulation. Their 2000 album Happiness was one of my favorites of the year. Then Mr.Hebden went off and did his Four Tet thing which had some things in common with the Fridge sound, but really much more programmy and loopy.
Now we have Mr.Ilhan doing his thing. Homesongs is just that really. A collection of tunes made at home with plenty of overdubbing. Again everything but the blender in the kitchen is used here. All sorts of bells, strings, percussion, and voices. One big difference that Adem has in regards to the Fridge sound is vocals and lyrics. Quite honestly I was turned off a bit at first thinking the vocals took away from the experience of Fridge's instumental sound. But then I quickly realized that this wasn't Fridge. This is a guy making his own sounds. And the album has grown on me alot. Aden's voice couldn't be called "a nice voice" really. He has that sort of almost Kermity the Frogity quality at times, but theres alot of emotion in his voice and it really does go well with his music. This is not an excellent album but it's a very promising debut from the guy. A few songs are very cool..they sound like nothing I've ever heard before: 'There will always be room at my table for you', 'Ringing in My Ear', and 'One in a Million'. On other tracks you get some decent music but nothing that'll really turn your ear. Grade B-

Episode 3

2005-03-31T09:43:00.000-08:00

Poe Blog
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Welcome to Poe Blog w/Peter Francis.

"Hmmm...This is starting to sound like some people I know."

-Peter Francis

Promethean Books presents

Episode Three of

"DIDDLING:

Considered as One of the Exact Sciences"

(continued from March 13th)

Ingenuity:- Your diddler is ingenious. He has constructiveness large. He understands plot. He invents and circumvents. Were he not Alexander he would be Diogenes. Were he not a diddler, he would be a maker of patent rat traps or an angler for trout.

Audacity:- Your diddler is audacious. -He is a bold man. He carries the war into Africa. He conquers all by assault. He would not fear the daggers of the Frey Herren. With a little more prudence Dick Turpin would have made a good diddler; with a trifle less blarney, Daniel O'Connell; with a pound or two more brains, Charles the twelfth.

Nonchalance:- Your diddler is nonchalant. He is not at all nervous. He never had any nerves. He is never seduced into a flurry. He is never put out- unless put out of doors. He is cool- cool as a cucumber. He is calm- "calm as a smile from Lady Bury." He is easy- easy as an old glove, or the damsels of ancient Baiae.

(to be continued)

Episode 2

2005-03-13T19:01:00.000-08:00

Poe Blog
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Welcome to this Sunday's Poe Blog w/Peter Francis.

"Wherein Poe describes three key ingredients of a good diddle. Enjoy."

-Peter Francis

Promethean Books presents

Episode Two of

"DIDDLING:

Considered as One of the Exact Sciences"

(continued from last week)

"Diddling, rightly considered, is a compound of which the ingredients are minuteness, interest, perseverance, ingenuity, audacity, nonchalance, originality, impertinence, and grin.

Minuteness: -Your diddler is minute. His operations are upon a small scale. His business is retail, for cash, or approved paper at sight. Should he ever be tempted into magnificent speculation, he then, at once, loses his distinctive features, and becomes what we term "financier." This latter word conveys the diddling idea in every respect except that of magnitude. A diddler may thus be regarded as a banker in petto- a "financial operation," as a diddle at Brobdignag. The one is to the other, as Homer to "Flaccus" - as a mastodon to a mouse - as the tail of a comet to that of a pig.

Interest: -Your diddler is guided by self-interest. He scorns to diddle for the mere sake of the diddle. He has an object in view - his pocket - and yours. He regards always the main chance. He looks to Number One. You are Number Two, and must look to yourself.

Perseverance: - Your diddler perseveres. He is not readily discouraged. Should even the banks break, he cares nothing about it. He steadily pursues his end, and

Ut canis a corio nunquam absterrebitur uncto,

so he never lets go of his game."

(To be continued...)

Shing-a-lings

2005-03-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

CD Reviews

Arovane: Lilies (IDM, pastoral electronica, ambient)

This recording which was released early last year just doesn't want to leave its spot in my antiquated 5 CD-go-round player. In a time when technology is taking over music and most electronic music you hear sounds like it was composed by cold calculating machines or pre-pubescent ecstacy fueled ravers, it's a joy to hear a release such as this that brings together the machine and mind in a flowing seamless manner. Arovane is Uwe Zahn from Deutschland and he's been at it for some time now. His previous 2 or 3 efforts have been interesting but with Lilies he really has taken it to a new level. The feel of the album is very nostalgic with its use of bells, harpsichord, chimes, strings and keyboards all delicately laid out over sparse deep resounding grooves. So the result is more of an organic experience than a synthetic one.
Zahn is in no rush letting his wintery pieces evolve. The opening track, Ten Hours sets the mood of the CD with an extremely lush string arrangement, and beautifully recorded harpsichord resounding ethereal passages over the top of it all. Behind it all you will hear a field recording of muffled voices and what sounds like passing ships. I'd have to say this CD is pretty damn nice to chill out to. But it never gets sentimental or New-Agey. Mr.Zahn apparently travelled to Japan before recording this one and bits and pieces of sampled material from Nihon comes through in the music. And a Japanese vocalist, Kazumi appears on one track. Rating: B+

Archer Prewitt: Wilderness (post-rock, indie acoustic pop)

Prewitt comes to us from the Chicago-based, post-rock band The Sea and Cake. And this new solo release of his happens to be on the same label, Thrill Jockey, home of post-rock dieties, Tortoise. If you are familiar with the sound of The Sea and Cake you know how difficult it is to slap a label on their music. This CD falls into the same elusive area. But, whereas The Sea and Cake use acoustic and electronic means to produce light but progressive rockish music, Wilderness goes down a more Americana even countryish avenue. But don't get turned off by the sound of it. Prewitt along with Mark Greenberg, Dave Max Crawford, and Chris Manfrin are drinking deep from the well of psychedelica and sun-drenched folk. The overall sound of the CD is very earthy. Prewitt's lyrics reflect a sort of deeply personal interpretation of nature and love. His voice is a lovely tenor which goes nicely alongside his warm acoustic strumming and plucking. In addition to the good ol' guitar many other instuments are employed including piano, mellotron, vibes, organ, stylophone and trumpet. All of the tracks are nice on this. Standouts include: Leaders, Think Again and the title track, Wilderness which wraps up the whole thing. Simply put, Archer Prewitt has created a album chock full of feeling. You might feel nostalgic listening to this as I did, and then also think that you've never quite heard anything like it before. Rating: B

Paul Westerberg and His Only Friends kicked ass @ House of Blues!

2005-03-11T11:27:00.000-08:00

pwprom
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"The devil's in my blood
and there's nothing I can
do about it."

"Sha-shing!"

2005-03-11T08:08:00.000-08:00

A scam legend, "Mr. Shing-a-Ling" to his friends, has come home to roost here at "Ask the Scam Oracle". He'll be reviewing CD's and hopefully sharing some of his own sweet sounds.

Stay tuned.

Part II: The Case of the Diddled Daguerreotype

2005-03-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

Field Ops
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

As if by design, once solved, the mystery remains a mystery, but here goes.

February 7th, during an episode of "Antique Roadshow", increasingly popular among the RV set, a rare daguerreotype of Poe surfaced in the possesion of a perfectly benign old goose from the Nebraska heartland.

Sally Guest supposedly ran accross the old-time photo while foraging through a junk shop in the burgeoning Iowa antique belt (or black market as it were), and purchased it for 96 bucks. She claims to have had no idea of the subject.

This lady should serve as juror on the Michael Jackson case. If she doesn't know who Poe is or even looks like, she's certain to be impartial to Jackson's plight. Christ, short of Old Glory, there is nothing more recognizable to any blue-blooded American than Poe's bulbous forehead.

It's dificult to believe, but that's what she said, and when Antique Roadshow's announcer set the pricetag at a whopping $30,000 to $50,000, Sally's response was simply, "Wow."

Hmmm...

"Clap, clap, clap..."

But that's not the end of the show, folks.

You don't cash in on a picture of "the devil himself"* and then go quietly about your business. No, indeed!

It turns out the photo was lifted from the Hampden-Booth library located inside The Players, a stodgy Manhattan theatrical club founded in 1888 by none other than actor, Erwin Booth, the brother of legendary Lincoln assassin, John Wilkes Booth!!!

Creepy.

The story whirled round and round and round again into yet another association with "Poe Blog" when it was blown wide open by Michael Deas, New Orleans postage stamp artist, creator of Sony Pictures "Lady Columbia", and oddly enough, author of "The Portraits and Daguerreotypes of Edgar Allen Poe" circa 1988, an exhaustive study of every rendering ever of the literary giant; painted, daguerreotyped, or otherwise.

I'm afraid ol' flim-flamin' Sally "Pump Handle" Guest is playing with the big boys now. Time will tell if her corn-fed education will deliver her from this mess. They say her phone has been disconnected since the shit hit the fan.

Again- Hmmm...

Of, course the mystery we are left with is- How did this rare daguerreotype find its way from a Manhattan theatre of some significance to the meaningless antique bazaars of rural Iowa?

Was Edgar Allan Poe actually flexing his ectoplasm in homage to "Poe Blog w/Peter Francis", spinning one last mystery from beyond the grave for a couple of fellow scambibblers? Or is this old bird full of shit, and she really kyped the picture years ago during her psychedelic tenure in the Village, with hopes to parlay it into an early retirement many years down the road?

You decide.

*Charles Dickens of Edgar Allan Poe

Botched Premiere

2005-03-10T06:31:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a lot of angry viewers* and my own impassioned verbal attack (with subsequent hasty apologies and deft back peddling), the conclusion of "The Case of the Diddled Daguerreotype" will be aired later today. Furthermore, our underwriters have lifted all programming restrictions on "Field Ops: Notebook". This means that from now on- EXPECT FIELD OPS UPDATES ANY DAY, ANY TIME!

All bets are off. I'll be tapping brass, squawking out the street beat on the old HAM radio; in short, doing whatever it takes to get the word out. Be ready.

*To those of you just tuning in, all the hoopla concerns yesterday morning's botched premiere of "Field Ops: Notebook", my new street level minispheries documenting the pitfalls and controversy involved in taking the Scam Bible's puzzling message to the people.

The Case of the Diddled Daguerreotype

2005-03-09T06:14:00.000-08:00

Field Ops
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"daguerreotype -n. early photograph using a silvered plate and mercury vapour. [Daguerre, name of its inventor]"
-Oxford

One day we're scraping the bong; next day we're smoking mendo and sipping fine bubbly. That's show biz, folks. We were flying on a wing and a prayer and now it looks like we're headed straight to the top. I want to thank all the literati out there that tuned in for the pilot of our first minispheries, "Poe Blog" w/Peter Francis, on Sunday night. Those guys really have a tiger by the tail. Best of luck.

Now, on a more occult note, and a grandiose one at that, Sunday's broadcast was chimed in by a metaphysical visitation from the Master himself. I won't even pretend to fathom the details of how or why. Suffice to say, I'm floored, honored, and completely fu!#ing mystified.

I wasn't aware of it at the time, but the next morning it hit me like a ton of bricks...

9 AM at the "Field Ops" booth in the New Orleans French Market. I spy P.Francis waving the morning paper and trucking down the A row with the Devil at his heels.

My guess is Poe Blog made the headlines, but Pete does me one better.

"Say, Ol' Chap," I ask "Why the sudden bug up your ass?"

He's breathless and stuttering,

"Uh..p...p...p...Poe...(pant)...(pant)...uh...p...p...(sniff)...Poe was here! ...HERE!!!"

What the...? I thought for sure they'd gotten to him, but then he shoved the mangled Pycayune in my face.

The next thing I remember I'm looking up at Peter's shit-eating, maniacal smile as he fans me with the paper, and Ali, the friendly senegalese purse vender, daubs my forehead with a moist hanky.

To my utter disbelief, wafting back and forth, smack dab on the front page of the Times Picayune, is none other than Edgar Allan Poe.

(To be continued...)

Episode 1

2005-03-06T22:12:00.000-08:00

Poe Blog
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Welcome to this Sunday's Poe Blog with Peter Francis.

"In the year 1843 Edgar Allan Poe penned the first American Scam Bible and shocked a child-like nation. Now, over 150 years later, the text remains a cornerstone in the education of aspiring "Diddlers" the world over. Enjoy."

-Peter Francis

Promethean Books presents:

Episode One of

Edgar Allan Poe's

"DIDDLING

Considered as One of
the Exact Sciences

"Hey, diddle diddle,
The cat and the fiddle."

Since the world began there have been two Jeremys. The one wrote a Jeremiad about usury, and was called Jeremy Bentham. He has been much admired by Mr. John Neal*, and was a great man in a small way. The other gave name to the most important of the Exact Sciences, and was a great man in a great way- I may say, indeed, in the greatest of ways.
Diddling-or the abstract idea conveyed by the verb to diddle - is sufficiently well understood. Yet the fact, the deed, the thing diddling, is somewhat difficult to define. We may get, however, at a tolerably distinct conception of the matter in hand, by defining - not the thing, diddling, in itself- but man, as an individual that diddles. Had Plato but hit upon this, he would have been spared the affront of the picked chicken.
Very pertinently it was demanded of Plato, why a picked chicken, which was clearly a "biped without feathers," was not, according to his own definition, a man? But I am not to be bothered by any similar query. Man is an animal that diddles, and there is no animal that diddles but man. It will take an entire hen-coop of picked chickens to get over that.
What constitutes the essence, the nare, the principle of diddling is, in fact, peculiar to the class of creatures that wear coats and pantaloons. A crow thieves; a fox cheats; a weasel outwits; a man diddles. To diddle is his destiny. " Man was made to mourn," says the poet. But not so: -he was made to diddle. This is his aim - his object - his end. And for this reason when a man's diddled we say he's "done."

*The allusion is to John Neal's "The Yankee"; and Boston Literary Gazette," a periodical whose No.79 (July, 1829) contained a picture and eulogistic notice of Jeremy Bentham with a motto from Bentham's writings.

(To be continued...)

"Can-Opener Chefs" & "Potemkin Health Plans"

2005-03-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Flossy's glassy stare will haunt me for eternity. She was that fagged-out old industry moll from the play the other night.

She wouldn't stop wailing about "The Industry! The Industry!", and how she couldn't bear to see anyone slap her pimp in the face after 30 years of devoted service and so forth.

"Sorry Flossy, but the emperor wears no clothes. Your pennies are falling out of your pig's ear."

I'd worked in the business too long to buy into her gin-soaked fantasy.

Where I'm from, bussers swipe your tips...owners waste your time and money on worthless Potemkin health plans...the place is infested with tragic, incompetent floordicks trying to hump everybody one way or another... cracked up waiters and bartenders hose down the House, "teabag" the guests, and shake down their fellow workers... the establishments are encyclopedias of archaic labor, health, and safety violations... "can-opener" chefs march around in pope's hats, drooling and clapping their hands like slap-happy idiots as they mix and match Sysco's lincoln logs of irradiated, hormone-injected menu items...and of course- NOBODY WASHES THEIR HANDS!

Oh yeah...whoops! I almost forgot the dear old customers (hee hee hee). Rest assured, it goes far beyond DNA and diuretics. I've seen waiters slap the tarshit out of deserving 'guests' who forgot that they were guests.

It's a rich tapestry of human weakness and depravity, and you'd better laugh to keep from crying or you won't last. In my opinion, the Pump Handles are a breath of fresh air in that dreary crowd. At least someone's making the bastards pay, not to mention providing us all with some cheap entertainment.

I'm afraid I was brought up on the other side of the tracks from Flossy's Emerald City, but alas, that's my only perspective and any other spin would be less than truthful. Anyone who doesn't like it is welcome to write their own book from their own perspective. Personally, I don't have any interest in helping to maintain the milky-white veneer of "The Industry". Although, I am willing to discuss a large sum of shut-up money. Let's talk.

Until next time, this is insider, R. "Chip" DeGlinkta, with "In the Eye of the Industry".

Have a nice day.

Field Ops: Notebook w/R.Chip DeGlinkta

2005-03-02T21:57:00.000-08:00

Field Ops
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"Taking it to the f@!*#n' people."

Tune in Wednesdays @ 9am, CST

Poe Blog w/Peter Francis

2005-03-02T21:54:00.000-08:00

Poe Blog
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"Hey, diddle diddle, The cat and the fiddle."

Tune in Sundays @ Midnight, CST.

Oracle Program Guide

2005-03-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

You heard right. We're finally going to dummy up with some reliable commercial-free programming. Los Jefes were beginning to send a lot of menacing emails down the pipes at us and frankly, I think they were starting to wonder if they hadn't lashed themselves to a sinking ship. All the sudden spending their last dime to produce a book by two failed waiters/wannabe Pump Handles seemed a little loco. Duh!

Imagine the look on their faces when, at the last possible moment, just as they were perusing the bankruptcy agreement, we trapsed nonchalantly into the executive suite without so much as a nod to the secretary and plopped a couple of fully produced minispheries down on the desk!

"T...T...T...Touche, Yup!"

(Gulp!)

So until further notice, here's the new Program Schedule for Spring 2005:

Every Sunday by Midnight, CST- "Poe Blog" with Peter Francis

Every Wedensday by 9am, CST- "Field Ops: Notebook" with R.Chip DeGlinkta

Of course, we will continue to provide the usual unscheduled programming. Thank you and stayed tuned for previews of coming attractions.

FloorDick can't even spell "Lexicon"!

2005-03-02T01:05:00.000-08:00

But that's not his beloved little nickname's fault. On it's own merit, "FloorDick", New Orleans' popular term for a restaurant manager, made its first appearance in a lexicon outside the Scam Bible.

Waiterblog.com, a clean-cut canadian website, entered the word into their lexicon of restaurant vernacular in December 2004, defined as follows-

"A derogatory term for a restaurant manager or floor supervisor who isn’t very popular among his/her staff."

Not bad. A little shy on the etymology (yard boss, house dick, etc.). Also, I often hear it used as a blanket term for any restaurant manager, popular or not. But if usage varies from person to person, it is bound to vary even more so from one country to another. The Canadians are by and large a friendlier people, and more tolerant of their restaurant managers. I think it's because they have easier access to better reefer, but that's only a theory.

It isn't often that we have the opportunity to assist a word in its ratification from lingo to language. With the aim of elevating and preserving the Pump Handle's hilarious vernacular, I call on all waiters, bartenders, and even restaurant managers (those willing to set aside their foolish pride for a higher calling) to submit the term "Floordick" far and wide to every obscure lexicon and authoritative compendium of verbage in existence- online, in print, on the walls or stalls of public bathrooms, wherever! So that someday, future generations may ruffle the pages of Websters or Oxford and crack a smile as they peruse a light-hearted tidbit of our unique experience.

If you score an entry, drop me a line at deglinkta@prometheanbooks.com and I'll post it here on the Oracle with your information.

Stay tuned.

Tennessee Williams' Waitress

2005-02-27T10:40:00.000-08:00

"PUMPY"
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Waitrons are often embarrassed of their ostentatious step-cousin, the Pump Handle, in the same way that Christians blush uncontrollably at the slightest mention of their own adorable relative, the Chimpanzee.

I was abrubtly reminded of it the other night at "The Play" and a wave of sadness quickly passed over me, followed by acute irritation.

We had been conspicuously displayed on elevated bar chairs, in the center of the theater. Our table tent read "How to Burn Down the House" and a target was placed on the back of my seat with the nickname "Pumpy" printed on the bullseye. As actor Chris Wecklein announced our foolhardy presence, a distinctly horrified, yet imperceptible murmur circulated among the crowd, comprised largely of food and beverage people with their staff and families.

It was intermission when the cork popped.

In a poignant offensive designed to express her indignation, a matronly but shitfaced off-duty waitroness stumbled up to the table and cut me off on my way to the bar.

"I read about you two...(pant)...(gurgle)..BASTARDS...(rrrrrrip)... in the Gambit! Thirty years in THE INDUSTRY and I never pulled any of that...ssshtuff!!!...(pant)...(sputter)"

Good girl, Flossie. Now get the f@!# out of the way before they close the bar. I tried, tactfully, to reassure her that we were just farting across the stage, juggling chainsaws, and taking a piss on everyone out of boredom.

"Don't take it personally, Mother. Your sterling reputation was only collateral damage."

All eyes were on us.

It became clear that she had been punked by her angry cohorts into delivering a few pointed statements and putting these young upstarts in their place. Unfortunately, all that 190 proof confidence building had taken an unexpectedly early toll and by the time she reached tableside, the witty old windbag had been reduced to a blithering idiot.

I could tell it plucked Peter's heart strings to see the poor creature so degraded, and being a gentleman, he tried to change the subject by complimenting her dress and revisiting some of the lighter-hearted moments of the first act.

She turned on him like a rabid saint bernard. She had spirit if nothing else.

"THE INNNDUSSHRTY!!!...(growl)...(burrrrp)...30 years in the god damn indussshrty!...(pant)...(pant)...and now this...(pant)...cruel...mean-sshpirited...assesssshment (sniff)..."

Her eyelids grew heavy and she now stared long and dreamily at Peter, losing her way in his friendly smile.

"Sonny?...(sigh)...Is that you, Sonny?...(sniff)...(sniff)..."

Their secret weapon had failed them.

My old lady rolled her eyes and noisily sucked the straw of her empty drink. That was my cue. But just as I made the break, Flossie's last remaining neuron fired a parting shot and with lightening speed she turned and grabbed my arm, pulling me in close with a startling display of force.

Glaring at me intensely she hissed her final confession-

"I was Tennessee Williams' waitress before he died!"

Hmmm

Pump Handles Toast the Town

2005-02-23T06:03:00.000-08:00

Black & White Blues
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Bravo! Encore! Encore! Many thanks to composer/pianist Harry Mayronne, writer Ricky Graham and of course the talented, mega-energetic, and sonorous cast (clockwise from mushroom top- Bob Edes, Chris Wecklein, Jesse Terrebonne, Heidi P.Junius) for treating Pete, myself, and two lovely ladies to their fast-paced waiter's musical "Black & White Blues".

I was in tears throughout. Laughing and crying at the over-the-top, yet dead-on depiction of the waiter's misunderstood lot. If you are ever in New Orleans contact Le Chat Noir Theatre on St. Charles for showtimes. 5 stars.

"The Restaurant Manager's Scam Bible?"

2005-02-21T08:48:00.000-08:00

There's an idea, huh?

Managers? Wha?... Oh yes. Not only can they be cunningly exploitative and simultaneously dim, but peculiarly so. Dostoevsky described it as a special self-serving form of stupidity-

"...a type abject and vicious and at the same time senseless...one of those senseless persons who are very well capable of looking after their worldly affairs, and, apparently, after nothing else."

Frankly, I think he's being generous. The ancient pre-Bolshevik restaurant manager he describes sounds highly developed compared to his modern western cousin, "Floordick".

Perhaps what we have here is a rare example of de-evolution. Still, although dulled considerably, the basic observation remains true. For example, I recently crossed paths with a particularly stingy FloorDick, who had adopted the age-old angle of scheduling "mandatory" (and extremely long-winded) meetings, yet not allowing his employees to punch in while in attendance.

I piped up, "Hey FloorDick, shouldn't we all punch in?"

"Grumble, mumble...I bought you guys free donuts, for Christ's sake!", he affected an innocent smile "..grumble, grumble...and free coffee!"

Let's do the math: coffee and donuts = $10. 20 employees at an average of $5/hour = $100/hour (and it went well over an hour, as this guy really liked to blow his own horn. Plus he made everyone wait 45 minutes to start the meeting, while every last employee straggled in the front door). Sounds like a good deal.

I waited for my companeros to pipe in...tick, tock, tick, tock...nothing. They all stared dolefully at the filthy floorboards of that shit-hole dive, waiting for the confrontation to pass. Classic. I was new to this place, but it didn't take me long to figure out the protocol. This was par for the course. Needless to say, I didn't last much longer.

Now I knew for a fact that many of these same spineless employees were shaking the place down like a gang of privateers, so I didn't feel too bad for them. But it illustrates perfectly Dostoevsky's point and the uncanny ability of FloorDick to scheme and implement petty parsimonious minutia while remaining stone deaf to the blatant ransacking of his restaurant and bar. It's hard to feel sorry for a jerk like that.

I'll have to report this to New York's prolitariat website, Shamelessrestaurants.com.
Although I'm sure they see this kind of flim-flam all the time, especially in the Big Apple.

But all that brings me to a recent question from one of our readers, which was-

"Why not write a Restaurant Manager's Scam Bible?" -Nell, Jersey City

Good Question. Indeed, they are always working some dastardly, albeit typically simplistic, angle, and they have more than enough to fill a book. We did include a chapter in the Scam Bible, "Our Man in Amsterdam", which describes the proper manner in which to exploit a dirty manager and how to handle him, or her, as the case may be, without getting burned, but a full length novel on the subject? I don't think so.

Honestly, their game is too mean spirited for my palate: bullying employees, shorting paychecks, keeping people late when it's dead, secretly declaring high tip percentages on the tax records of waiters they don't like and so forth. The Sticky-fingered Waiters, or "Pump Handles" as we call them down here, have an heroic Robin Hood quality about them. Their repertoire is jam-packed with creativity and flair. Who wants to read a book about the Sheriff of Nottingham? Besides I wouldn't want to give them any ideas, nor inadvertently glorify the species.

Thanks for the question, Nell.

SATAN'S LITTLE HELPERS

2005-02-18T22:34:00.000-08:00

Peter & Chip
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Whiz Kid Peter Francis w/ Top CEO R.C.DeGlinkta @ Borders

AMERICA DIVIDED!

2005-02-18T17:57:00.000-08:00

As you can tell from the last post, our incendiary tome of arcane know-how has scorched more than a few tailfeathers. One thing is for sure, the country is divided over this dangerous little book, but not necessarily along party lines. Rumor has it that veteran Texas Pump Handle and esteemed Republican Moral Majority Leader, Tom Delay, managed to get his sticky little fingers on a copy of the Scam Bible and was nicely suprised to find several new techniques that he plans on integrating with his already ingenious repertoire. We sent a carrier pigeon to his office in Mordor for comment, but no reply. I think they put those little rubber snakes on the window sills of federal buildings to scare the birds away. Those are dark places.

At any rate, like all Bibles, if you take it too literally you'll miss the point. Despite those other sour apples, many of our readers have reacted gleefully to the poetry and the poetic justice of the Scam Bible. Here's a few sunny responses-

"PETER FRANCIS AND CHIP DeGLINKTA ARE GENIUS!!

When is the movie, and who will play the key roles?

I heard of this scam bible on two occasions during my short Quarter waiter tenure. This was in the late eighties and early nineties, when computers for restaurants (especially Quarter joints) weren't even on the horizon.

Pete and Chip, I don't feel scammed at all. You deserve my 13 bucks for an hour's worth of laughter with this book! Maybe we'll see the actual tome at the Cabildo some day."

Eddie Mac

(this is an interesting letter because he refers to one of the ancient hand-written texts: i.e., underground, pre-publication copies that were circulated back in the day in the form of tattered dog-eared notebooks from waiter to waiter, bartender to bartender, knowing hand to knowing hand if you get my meaning, and so forth, constantly updated and revised by the legendary Pump Handles of old)

Or how about these glowing comments from long-time New Orleans waiter Josue' Vasquez-Cruz, executer of the website, NOLAwaiters.com-

"My heart started beating faster as I went on with my reading. I have been in the business for almost 14 years and thought I had heard it all and seen it all, yeah right...

...It is one of those books that you have to read to understand the great controversy that it produces, like the 9/11 Commission Report. You will get the goose bumps as you realize the majestic prose that are painted on the papers of this book...

...It is in its own way spooky and mind bending. It triggers the saint and the devil in you as you finish reading each scam. I highly suggest this book to everybody, as it will teach all a thing or two about the industry."

Make no bones about it- This is a book by the workers, for the workers! If you are a 'fat cat restaurateur' or a 'bleeting cheapskate guest', be prepared for a healthy and well deserved- "Smeck, Smeck, Smeck!" But no hard feelings. You know you have it coming and by the time you take all your licks, you'll be rewarded with a whole new level of understanding and insight.

Now, pull yourself together, America! I hate to break it to you, but if you are pissed about the Waiter & Bartender's Scam Bible, wait till you get a load of the next one.

It's Only Fair...

2005-02-13T11:37:00.000-08:00

Journalist savant, Todd Price, author of the infamous GAMBIT article, "Turning the Tables", that broke the Scam Bible to an ususpecting, now aghast, New Orleans, lined up with the rest of us for the ensuing shit-storm of angry letters to the magazine's maverick editor, Michael Tisserand.

Price reflected euphemistically, "Certainly some people are upset that I didn't tell them what to think about the book."

That speaks volumes.

"Bleet!...Bleet!...Damn you, Price! Where's the f@!#ing directions?...Bleet!...Bleet!...Where does it fit in our hypocritical matrix of regurgitated moralistic soundbytes!?...Bleet!...Bleet!...Bleeeeeeeet!!!

The flock is in an uproar! We thought it only fair to print a few of their more humorous and plaintive objections-

MOMMY SPANKS TOMMY'S PEE-PEE

"I read your article "Turning the Tables" (Jan.25) and found it disturbing. I've been in the food service business all my life and have witnessed this behavior myself. I'm ashamed to say that I've participated in scams when I was younger and am ashamed of that part of my life. How Peter Francis and R. Chip DeGlinkta can publish a book in which they brag about their lack of integrity is inconceivable to me.
I'm Fortunate to have a conscience that wouldn't allow me to publicly announce my lack of morals. My mother, of course, would read any book I published. I have worked in restaurants where these practices have forced the owners to close and therefore leave many honest employees out of work. I also know many people that go out to eat very infrequently due to the fear that they'll be scammed, thus damaging the entire industry. I stopped practicing these scams a long time ago and have been promoted and compensated accordingly in various restaurants and now own two of my own Unlike the authors of this book, I became successful through hard, honest work. I hope they and their mothers are quite proud!"

-Tommy Julian
Owner, Pizza Gourmet and Brown's Diner
______________________________

10 PERCENTERS WANT THEIR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO

"Can't we just eat, drink, and be merry without glorifying petty crime in a crappy book?"

-Adam Farrington
______________________________

TRY PAXIL

"After wasting my time reading Todd Price's "Turning the Tables", I wish Gambit would have its editors kill stories like this before publication. It was vulgar and tasteless. The world needs more uplifting articles, not articles praising thieves."

-Thomas Lietz
______________________________

THE IRON VAGINA

"It is so juvenile that DeGlinkta and his partner think they are cool because they were able to scam people and steal from businesses. What a bore."

- Jessica Hawk

______________________________

Well, my hat's off to visionary wordsmith, Todd Price and his intrepid editor. Nice work guys.

As usual, to all our new found friends and enemies...

Bon Appetit!

Cover Story!!! Gambit Weekly

2005-02-06T01:56:00.000-08:00

Gambit Weekly
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"After reading the Scam Bible and now talking with DeGlinkta, I find myself becoming increasingly suspicious of everyone around me."

-Todd Price, Gambit Weekly January 25, 2005 Vol.26 No.4

(CLICK HERE to read the article)

OFFBEAT Magazine

2005-02-06T01:50:00.000-08:00

Offbeat
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"Burn
Bourbon
Burn!"

- Offbeat, January 2005

Where Y'At

2005-02-06T01:39:00.000-08:00

Where Y'At
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"How to Burn Down the House is a rare book... readers will be overwhelmed at the sheer volume and complexity of many of the schemes described."

- WHERE Y'AT Magazine, January 2005

Talk Jocks Wowed by Waiter's Ingenious Repertoire

2005-01-21T06:55:00.000-08:00

Arch conservative Keith Rush of Robert Namer's Hottalk Radio and political analyst Christopher Tidmore of the Louisiana Weekly's afternoon radio show were happily dumbstruck after their recent initiation into the "Pump Handle's" unexpectedly complex game.

Pete and myself were kind enough to peel back the deceptively smooth veneer of the American feeding frenzy during candid interviews on their respective programs. As always eyebrows reared and hands began feverishly patting down pockets.

"There's real people behind those black and whites! ...Individuals!...Shit!"

Once you get Homo Sap involved it's bound to get complicated.

"They're shaking us down at the troughs!"

That's hallowed ground.

Well...good morning, folks! There are as many agendas as there are people. They come in all shapes and sizes, and where a man is most humbled and morally vindicated, that's where he is most ingenious, hence the waiter's nifty bag- smarter than most everyone, assailed by obtuse a-holes on all sides who expect, despite their penny-pinching, abuse, and exploitation, that he/she is going to settle there accounts in a trustworthy fashion. So much for that. Thanks for another juicy rationalization.

Anyway, those guys loved it and we all had a great time. I expected Keith Rush to take at least few gratuitous moral jabs at us, but no such luck. One mention of Payola and he was eating out of our sticky hands. Chris Tidmore really got it and had fun with it. I suspect he must have been a waiter or bartender at some point on his way to the top. Keep your eyes peels for an upcoming review in his local mag- Louisiana Weekly.

Cheers.

Book Signing at Borders!

2005-01-19T15:11:00.000-08:00

Come chew the fat with Peter Francis and myself, R.C.DeGlinkta, at Borders in Metairie- Saturday January 29th @ 2pm. We'll be happy to personalize your Scam Bible and answer questions.

"Donkey Show" author, Michael P. Welch shouts out about the Scam Bible-

2005-01-01T14:06:00.000-08:00

"BURN, BOURBON! BURN!"

"In an attempt to get back at all the restaurant managers who ever bullied me (so, so fucking many...) I would like to give a shout-out to the locally produced book How to Burn Down the House: The Infamous Waiter & Bartender's Scam Bible by Peter Francis and R.Chip DeGlinkta, known on the cover of the book simply as Two Bourbon Street Waiters. This little tome, which fits snugly in the inside pocket of your headwaiter's tuxedo, is basically just a manual on how to rip-off the restaurant you work for, with minimal sarcastic editorial. Not surprisingly, publishers Promethean Books have had a little trouble getting their product on local shelves. "We decided not to carry it in the store," defends Maple Street Books' manager Carol Antosiak, who claims she will gladly procure the book for anyone who orders it. "But that's one of the benefits of an independent bookstore," Antosiak explains. "We're not told by someone in New York what we have to carry. If we don't like something, we don't have to carry it. I personally just don't believe in stealing."
Stealing like, say, charging $6.50 for a Coors Light? She's obviously never worked for the Brennans..."

-Micheal P. Welch, Offbeat Magazine, January 2004

The Fritz Esker review: from "WHERE Y'AT" MAGAZINE, January 2005

2004-12-27T13:00:00.000-08:00

"How to Burn Down the House is a rare book: a manual on how to commit petty crime. Specifically, it gives waiters and bartenders inside info on how to efficiently rip off their bosses.

Readers who have never worked in the service industry (perhaps even those who have) will be overwhelmed at the sheer volume and complexity of many of the schemes described. Scams range from waiters giving the same bill to multiple customers and pocketing the extra cash to more serious crimes such as smuggling cases of expensive liquer and/or seafood out of the restaurant and selling them for personal profit.

The detailed discriptions of the scams and what waiters should do if caught performing any of them makes for an interesting read. However, some of the book's appeal is dampened by its out-and-out celebration of theft. Indeed, individual readers' enjoyment of this book will depend greatly on his/her tolerance of a book whose primary purpose is to glorify and encourage larceny.

The book is brief (85 pages, including a table of contents, foreword, introduction, and epilogue) and can be easily read in one or two sittings. It is certainly never boring, and could possibly serve as a very helpful tool for any restaurant manager who feels he/she is being ripped off by employees."

AUCKLAND "PUMP HANDLES" WISE UP

2004-11-17T22:38:00.000-08:00

The Kiwis have joined the fight! As we speak, a small black and red torpedo is hurtling across the South Pacific towards Auckland, New Zealand where the island's "fat cat restaurateurs and bleating cheapskate guests" are about to get fitted for a rather uncomfortable money syphon.
It's official- this has become an international movement overnight. New Zealand waiters are ordering Scam Bibles and God help the jack-ass managers and restaurant owners that tried to keep them down for all these years. I'm sure the boys were already sticking it to them pretty good, but now they are really going to turn the hose on. Ahoy, Mates! Let us know if we can help.

THE WORD IS OUT ABOUT THE "SCAM BIBLE"

2004-11-17T22:14:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"This is the "Anarchist's Cookbook" meets Sun Tzu's "Art of War" for bartenders and waiters!"

- Mr. Shing-a-Ling, Legendary scam master

"Finally a book about and for waiters not endorsed by those Food Network whores."

- The Waiter, "Waiter Rant"

"The most dangerous book in America."

- Alexander Young, New Orleans writer

"Equal parts "Anarchist Cookbook" and "Chicken Soup for the Broke-Ass Waiter's Soul", the Scam Bible is one-of-a-kind resource for waiters all over the country."

- Lance Vargas, "The Chicory"

"The enlightened waiter makes his own luck."

- R.C.DeGlinkta, Scamming waiter

"A rare book...(Readers) will be overwhelmed at the sheer volume and complexity of many of the schemes described.

-Fritz Esker, "WHERE Y'AT" Magazine

Banned In New Orleans

2004-11-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

Feeling like Maurice Girodias of Grove/Olympia Press circa 1959 ...the black shadow of censorship once again snarls its toothless yet ugly snarl..and today the stench emanates from a highly surprising corner...BOOKSTORE OWNER!

There was a time in this great country of ours (theres) when books like 'Lady Chatterly's Lover' where tossed on to a presidents desk with a paramount air of importance and disgust. "This writing constitutes a grave menace to all and any Sir. It must...I repeat...IT MUST BE BANNED!" This from (true story-check it out) Arthur Summerfield, Postmaster General. He dropped the tome onto the president's desk and had all the dirty parts underlined for him. Ike was quoted in TIME and Newsweek "Terrible, we can't have that" giving the go ahead to Summerfield, "Go ahead and prosecute anywhere possible against LADY CHATTERLY".

This rabid attitude towards readers and writers, free thinkers and free persons from a sitting president.... and a man who willfully supported the atom bombing of two non military cities in Japan just a few short years before, killing hundreds of thousands of civilians in a grandiose attempt to make a point. Obscene is of course a matter of degrees.

Fast forward 45 years, in an age of self actualization and an advent of tolerance and acceptance the last place one expects to encounter the braying Ass of censorship is in a small bookstore on Maple Street in old New Orleans. Much less from the owner of the bookstore. The editors of Promethean Books where banned from the store proper and the new release they were placing was BANNED by the owner with a hilariously narrow-minded scolding , tongue-lashing and finger waggling that rivals the real.

The book HOW TO BURN DOWN THE HOUSE: THE INFAMOUS WAITER AND BARTENDER'S SCAMBIBLE has now joined its illustrious forebearers in CENSORSHIP....very least among them Nabokov's 'LOLITA ', Genet's 'OUR LADY of the FLOWERS', Hank Miller's 'TROPIC OF CANCER' and 'SEXUS, NEXUS, and PLEXUS', William S. Burroughs' 'The NAKED LUNCH' , Ginsberg's 'HOWL' not to mention Swift's 'A MODEST PROPOSAL' and so on. Being in with this group is an honor and we remain indebted to Maple Street Bookstore for their small mindedness, shortsightedness and utter lack of imagination.
Hope the cookbook's selling BIG for ya!!!

PRESS RELEASE: WAITERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!

2004-11-16T08:01:00.000-08:00

A revolution is raging across America, a revolution of the working man rising up against his tormentors. The common food and beverage server, held down so very long under the wretched heel of his oppressors, must eventually take to arms...or wallets as it were.

For many years now, in eateries and gin mills throughout the country, a vanguard force of silent organizers has been hard at work, laying the nefarious groundwork for their coming legions. These few good men and women, our fearless brothers and sisters, have pioneered, refined, and perfected the only feasible recourse to such hostile aggression: the subtle art of Scam.

At last, waiters and bartenders nationwide are cutting their own slice of the money pie and striking back at those who mistreated them so severely: the fat-cat restaurateur, his pack of frothing managers, and of course, the bleating, cheapskate guest.

Want in, you say? Well, of course, but like all great movements of the people, ours is guided by a manifesto, a doctrine, a plan. In this case, it comes in the form of an underground manual, a cult guidebook coveted by waiters and bartenders, chock full of step by step instructions on how to secretly turn the tables on your unsuspecting targets and take what is rightfully yours. Two veteran Bourbon Street waiters have finally taken this manifesto and put it into print. In How to Burn Down the House: The Infamous Waiter and Bartender’s Scam Bible, authors and fellow revolutionaries Peter Francis and R.Chip DeGlinkta have raised the red lantern and are leading the charge to redemption. Join the revolution, study your little red and black book, and onward to victory forever!

"The Chicory" Interview

2004-11-16T07:46:00.000-08:00

Interview with Lance Vargas for "www.thechicory.com", November '04

What was the motivation for the book? Civil disobedience? Tomfoolery? Rascalism? Other?

R.C.DeGlinkta: All those things and more. Primarily, the book is a roast and a parody of incompetent, jack-ass managers, whom we're all familiar with. But, not only does it deliver a well-deserved insult, it also provides the hard-working server with a means to revenge himself, and further, to profit by it. It's biting satire that actually bites.

Peter Francis: Essentially it's a parody of the whole "How To" genre. A satirical lash-out in the humorous vein of Swift's "Proposal" and Miller's pair of "Tropics". With just a dash of Genet for sport.

Publishing How to Burn Down the House under your own names in the city where many of the skills in the book are undoubtedly practiced has to be a somewhat risky endeavor. Any backlash from restaurant owners?

R.C.DeGlinkta: I'm used to taking responsibility for my actions, and I encourage others to do the same. I welcome and am flattered by any backlash that results from that.

Peter Francis: Yeah, but if the whole shit house goes up in chunks remember what he said!

Being former waiters, isn't what you guys have done here essentially biting the hand that fed you?

R.C.DeGlinkta: On the contrary, this book is a long-awaited memorial to waiters and bartenders, and after the dust settles it will be seen as a blessing. While initially both managers and waiters will benefit, the diligence and intelligence of conniving servers will long outlive the short attention span of incompetent management, and in the end it will be the waiters that come out ahead. The Scam Bible will bore its way into in the annals of underground literature and managers will return to their usual dimwitted state of denial.

In your own opinion, who is more easily-fooled the customer or the manager?

R.C.DeGlinkta: It's six of one, half a dozen of the other. In practice, the customer is generally oblivious, like the props in a shell game. The manager is almost always the one being deliberately misled.

Peter Francis: The manager of course though it can be a little betwixt and between, ahem, Floordick has a way of walking into the punches, God bless him.

Without naming real names, bestow upon the readers of The Chicory a few of your favorite all-time scammers in the industry.

R.C.DeGlinkta: I remember the first time I recognized scamming as a valid art form, I was watching a legendary scam master, known to his friends as Mr. Shing-a-Ling, put a customer on ice. That's when you pretend like the credit card machine is broken to force a cash transaction. The guy was pissed and pulling his hair out and all that, but Shing just spoke calmly, assuring the angry guest that this happened all the time and it was likely to be a while, as he performed a variety of meaningless card swipes and key combinations for effect. He drove this guy to the very brink and in the end was paid in cash. He deserved an Oscar for that performance.

Peter Francis: One guy comes to mind although there were so many, this guy was the best....and smoooooth. His name was Anthony Adams and he was truly talented, even sold the menus.

Of the 20 or so scams listed in the book, are there any you are particularly fond of for one reason or another?

R.C.DeGlinkta: Not really. I take Bruce Lee's approach: whatever works. Adapt. The most yield for the least effort. That's all that matters.

Peter Francis: I looked at it a little more like Aleister Crowley, that flamboyant old fraud from the other side of the pond, "do what thou whilst is the only rule". Our Man In Amsterdam was especially appealing to witness, from a safe distance that is.

In the history of these scams what was the biggest repercussion you were witness to after being discovered?

R.C.DeGlinkta: That's the beauty of it. I have never seen any dire repercussions save questioning or termination, which is really amazing if you do the math. To a waiter with a good angle, two or three hundred extra a week is a meager take. That's 10 grand plus, per year. Year after year that adds up to a tidy embezzlement. For instance, in 10 years that's over a hundred grand! What other criminal gets away with a slap on the wrist and a pink slip for stealing that kind of money?

Peter Francis: I've heard some stories about scammers who got on the wrong side of a certain family of restaurateurs on Bourbon St. who ended up retiring hastily.

How about a ballpark estimate of the biggest take you have ever been privy to?

R.C.DeGlinkta: No can do. Vanity gets a person collared.

Peter Francis: Skip it, next question.

Tell us what the modus operandi of your "In the Know" series is.

R.C.DeGlinkta: For some reason we have acquired a bunch of underworld experience that we think might be useful to our readers, and with the help of Promethean Books, have decided to organize and release it in a series. How to Burn Down the House is the first of that series.

Take this time to praise or assail your publisher, Promethean Books.

R.C.DeGlinkta: The have been very open-minded. Many people were convinced that we wouldn't find a publisher, that the book was too inflammatory, poorly written, etc. So, we are thankful they stepped up. It's been a good experience so far.

Peter Francis: I've enjoyed working with them. When we were shopping the manuscript around it was easy to get discouraged, to start second guessing yourself. Promethean Books 'got it', thought it was funny, and rolled the dice. Let's hope it comes up a winner for them...and us.

Interview w/Peter francis & R.C.DeGlinkta

2004-09-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

Q: Isn’t the bottom line that the Scam Bible effectively encourages and even glorifies crime?

DeGlinkta: “Yes, absolutely, but that isn’t unique. Box office hits like Oceans Eleven and Catch Me If You Can do so much more effectively. What really makes this book unique is that it encourages and glorifies petty crime, and that doesn’t sit well with the American public. It hits too close to home. Leonardo Di Caprio can take Pan Am for millions and the crowds go wild, but some poor hard-working waiter hoses down a cheapskate guest for five or ten lousy bucks and he’s the devil himself!”

Q: Your knowledge of restaurant and bar scams is so extensive, it begs the suspicion that the two of you are either very clever or very morally challenged, which is it?

Francis: “Guilty on both counts! Ours is sort of a Robin Hood story in that sense. The Pump Handle waylays the convoy of the evil King, Floordick, and delivers the booty back to the oppressed subjects, in this case himself, the overworked and underpaid food and beverage server. Robin was definitely both clever and morally challenged, as we all are at times.”

Q: Is nothing sacred? Is our beloved dining experience bloated with conspiracy just like everything else?

DeGlinkta: “It is naive for anyone to believe that corruption and subterfuge only exist at a safe distance. The book simply pulls back the curtain to reveal that it is all around us. That sharks and machinations of various shapes and sizes are circling at all times. They don’t always chop your head off like Enron or 9/11; sometimes they just nibble gently at your toenails.”

Q: It has been said, and I quote, “How to Burn Down the House is a purely sophomoric effort devoid of all literary merit, with dubious uses if any.” What is your response to this unfriendly assessment?

Francis: “Well, it definitely isn’t Edgar Allan Poe...but I think he’d like it.”