AMERICA DIVIDED!

As you can tell from the last post, our incendiary tome of arcane know-how has scorched more than a few tailfeathers. One thing is for sure, the country is divided over this dangerous little book, but not necessarily along party lines. Rumor has it that veteran Texas Pump Handle and esteemed Republican Moral Majority Leader, Tom Delay, managed to get his sticky little fingers on a copy of the Scam Bible and was nicely suprised to find several new techniques that he plans on integrating with his already ingenious repertoire. We sent a carrier pigeon to his office in Mordor for comment, but no reply. I think they put those little rubber snakes on the window sills of federal buildings to scare the birds away. Those are dark places.

At any rate, like all Bibles, if you take it too literally you'll miss the point. Despite those other sour apples, many of our readers have reacted gleefully to the poetry and the poetic justice of the Scam Bible. Here's a few sunny responses-

"PETER FRANCIS AND CHIP DeGLINKTA ARE GENIUS!!

When is the movie, and who will play the key roles?

I heard of this scam bible on two occasions during my short Quarter waiter tenure. This was in the late eighties and early nineties, when computers for restaurants (especially Quarter joints) weren't even on the horizon.

Pete and Chip, I don't feel scammed at all. You deserve my 13 bucks for an hour's worth of laughter with this book! Maybe we'll see the actual tome at the Cabildo some day."

Eddie Mac

(this is an interesting letter because he refers to one of the ancient hand-written texts: i.e., underground, pre-publication copies that were circulated back in the day in the form of tattered dog-eared notebooks from waiter to waiter, bartender to bartender, knowing hand to knowing hand if you get my meaning, and so forth, constantly updated and revised by the legendary Pump Handles of old)

Or how about these glowing comments from long-time New Orleans waiter Josue' Vasquez-Cruz, executer of the website, NOLAwaiters.com-

"My heart started beating faster as I went on with my reading.  I have been in the business for almost 14 years and thought I had heard it all and seen it all, yeah right...

...It is one of those books that you have to read to understand the great controversy that it produces, like the 9/11 Commission Report. You will get the goose bumps as you realize the majestic prose that are painted on the papers of this book...

...It is in its own way spooky and mind bending. It triggers the saint and the devil in you as you finish reading each scam. I highly suggest this book to everybody, as it will teach all a thing or two about the industry."

Make no bones about it- This is a book by the workers, for the workers! If you are a 'fat cat restaurateur' or a 'bleeting cheapskate guest', be prepared for a healthy and well deserved- "Smeck, Smeck, Smeck!" But no hard feelings. You know you have it coming and by the time you take all your licks, you'll be rewarded with a whole new level of understanding and insight.

Now, pull yourself together, America! I hate to break it to you, but if you are pissed about the Waiter & Bartender's Scam Bible, wait till you get a load of the next one.