Tennessee Williams' Waitress

"PUMPY"
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Waitrons are often embarrassed of their ostentatious step-cousin, the Pump Handle, in the same way that Christians blush uncontrollably at the slightest mention of their own adorable relative, the Chimpanzee.

I was abrubtly reminded of it the other night at "The Play" and a wave of sadness quickly passed over me, followed by acute irritation.

We had been conspicuously displayed on elevated bar chairs, in the center of the theater. Our table tent read "How to Burn Down the House" and a target was placed on the back of my seat with the nickname "Pumpy" printed on the bullseye. As actor Chris Wecklein announced our foolhardy presence, a distinctly horrified, yet imperceptible murmur circulated among the crowd, comprised largely of food and beverage people with their staff and families.

It was intermission when the cork popped.

In a poignant offensive designed to express her indignation, a matronly but shitfaced off-duty waitroness stumbled up to the table and cut me off on my way to the bar.

"I read about you two...(pant)...(gurgle)..BASTARDS...(rrrrrrip)... in the Gambit! Thirty years in THE INDUSTRY and I never pulled any of that...ssshtuff!!!...(pant)...(sputter)"

Good girl, Flossie. Now get the f@!# out of the way before they close the bar. I tried, tactfully, to reassure her that we were just farting across the stage, juggling chainsaws, and taking a piss on everyone out of boredom.

"Don't take it personally, Mother. Your sterling reputation was only collateral damage."

All eyes were on us.

It became clear that she had been punked by her angry cohorts into delivering a few pointed statements and putting these young upstarts in their place. Unfortunately, all that 190 proof confidence building had taken an unexpectedly early toll and by the time she reached tableside, the witty old windbag had been reduced to a blithering idiot.

I could tell it plucked Peter's heart strings to see the poor creature so degraded, and being a gentleman, he tried to change the subject by complimenting her dress and revisiting some of the lighter-hearted moments of the first act.

She turned on him like a rabid saint bernard. She had spirit if nothing else.

"THE INNNDUSSHRTY!!!...(growl)...(burrrrp)...30 years in the god damn indussshrty!...(pant)...(pant)...and now this...(pant)...cruel...mean-sshpirited...assesssshment (sniff)..."

Her eyelids grew heavy and she now stared long and dreamily at Peter, losing her way in his friendly smile.

"Sonny?...(sigh)...Is that you, Sonny?...(sniff)...(sniff)..."

Their secret weapon had failed them.

My old lady rolled her eyes and noisily sucked the straw of her empty drink. That was my cue. But just as I made the break, Flossie's last remaining neuron fired a parting shot and with lightening speed she turned and grabbed my arm, pulling me in close with a startling display of force.

Glaring at me intensely she hissed her final confession-

"I was Tennessee Williams' waitress before he died!"

Hmmm

Pump Handles Toast the Town

Black & White Blues
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Bravo! Encore! Encore! Many thanks to composer/pianist Harry Mayronne, writer Ricky Graham and of course the talented, mega-energetic, and sonorous cast (clockwise from mushroom top- Bob Edes, Chris Wecklein, Jesse Terrebonne, Heidi P.Junius) for treating Pete, myself, and two lovely ladies to their fast-paced waiter's musical "Black & White Blues".

I was in tears throughout. Laughing and crying at the over-the-top, yet dead-on depiction of the waiter's misunderstood lot. If you are ever in New Orleans contact Le Chat Noir Theatre on St. Charles for showtimes. 5 stars.

"The Restaurant Manager's Scam Bible?"

There's an idea, huh?

Managers? Wha?... Oh yes. Not only can they be cunningly exploitative and simultaneously dim, but peculiarly so. Dostoevsky described it as a special self-serving form of stupidity-

"...a type abject and vicious and at the same time senseless...one of those senseless persons who are very well capable of looking after their worldly affairs, and, apparently, after nothing else."

Frankly, I think he's being generous. The ancient pre-Bolshevik restaurant manager he describes sounds highly developed compared to his modern western cousin, "Floordick".

Perhaps what we have here is a rare example of de-evolution. Still, although dulled considerably, the basic observation remains true. For example, I recently crossed paths with a particularly stingy FloorDick, who had adopted the age-old angle of scheduling "mandatory" (and extremely long-winded) meetings, yet not allowing his employees to punch in while in attendance.

I piped up, "Hey FloorDick, shouldn't we all punch in?"

"Grumble, mumble...I bought you guys free donuts, for Christ's sake!", he affected an innocent smile "..grumble, grumble...and free coffee!"

Let's do the math: coffee and donuts = $10. 20 employees at an average of $5/hour = $100/hour (and it went well over an hour, as this guy really liked to blow his own horn. Plus he made everyone wait 45 minutes to start the meeting, while every last employee straggled in the front door). Sounds like a good deal.

I waited for my companeros to pipe in...tick, tock, tick, tock...nothing. They all stared dolefully at the filthy floorboards of that shit-hole dive, waiting for the confrontation to pass. Classic. I was new to this place, but it didn't take me long to figure out the protocol. This was par for the course. Needless to say, I didn't last much longer.

Now I knew for a fact that many of these same spineless employees were shaking the place down like a gang of privateers, so I didn't feel too bad for them. But it illustrates perfectly Dostoevsky's point and the uncanny ability of FloorDick to scheme and implement petty parsimonious minutia while remaining stone deaf to the blatant ransacking of his restaurant and bar. It's hard to feel sorry for a jerk like that.

I'll have to report this to New York's prolitariat website, Shamelessrestaurants.com.
Although I'm sure they see this kind of flim-flam all the time, especially in the Big Apple.

But all that brings me to a recent question from one of our readers, which was-

"Why not write a Restaurant Manager's Scam Bible?" -Nell, Jersey City

Good Question. Indeed, they are always working some dastardly, albeit typically simplistic, angle, and they have more than enough to fill a book. We did include a chapter in the Scam Bible, "Our Man in Amsterdam", which describes the proper manner in which to exploit a dirty manager and how to handle him, or her, as the case may be, without getting burned, but a full length novel on the subject? I don't think so.

Honestly, their game is too mean spirited for my palate: bullying employees, shorting paychecks, keeping people late when it's dead, secretly declaring high tip percentages on the tax records of waiters they don't like and so forth. The Sticky-fingered Waiters, or "Pump Handles" as we call them down here, have an heroic Robin Hood quality about them. Their repertoire is jam-packed with creativity and flair. Who wants to read a book about the Sheriff of Nottingham? Besides I wouldn't want to give them any ideas, nor inadvertently glorify the species.

Thanks for the question, Nell.

SATAN'S LITTLE HELPERS

Peter & Chip
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Whiz Kid Peter Francis w/ Top CEO R.C.DeGlinkta @ Borders

AMERICA DIVIDED!

As you can tell from the last post, our incendiary tome of arcane know-how has scorched more than a few tailfeathers. One thing is for sure, the country is divided over this dangerous little book, but not necessarily along party lines. Rumor has it that veteran Texas Pump Handle and esteemed Republican Moral Majority Leader, Tom Delay, managed to get his sticky little fingers on a copy of the Scam Bible and was nicely suprised to find several new techniques that he plans on integrating with his already ingenious repertoire. We sent a carrier pigeon to his office in Mordor for comment, but no reply. I think they put those little rubber snakes on the window sills of federal buildings to scare the birds away. Those are dark places.

At any rate, like all Bibles, if you take it too literally you'll miss the point. Despite those other sour apples, many of our readers have reacted gleefully to the poetry and the poetic justice of the Scam Bible. Here's a few sunny responses-

"PETER FRANCIS AND CHIP DeGLINKTA ARE GENIUS!!

When is the movie, and who will play the key roles?

I heard of this scam bible on two occasions during my short Quarter waiter tenure. This was in the late eighties and early nineties, when computers for restaurants (especially Quarter joints) weren't even on the horizon.

Pete and Chip, I don't feel scammed at all. You deserve my 13 bucks for an hour's worth of laughter with this book! Maybe we'll see the actual tome at the Cabildo some day."

Eddie Mac

(this is an interesting letter because he refers to one of the ancient hand-written texts: i.e., underground, pre-publication copies that were circulated back in the day in the form of tattered dog-eared notebooks from waiter to waiter, bartender to bartender, knowing hand to knowing hand if you get my meaning, and so forth, constantly updated and revised by the legendary Pump Handles of old)

Or how about these glowing comments from long-time New Orleans waiter Josue' Vasquez-Cruz, executer of the website, NOLAwaiters.com-

"My heart started beating faster as I went on with my reading.  I have been in the business for almost 14 years and thought I had heard it all and seen it all, yeah right...

...It is one of those books that you have to read to understand the great controversy that it produces, like the 9/11 Commission Report. You will get the goose bumps as you realize the majestic prose that are painted on the papers of this book...

...It is in its own way spooky and mind bending. It triggers the saint and the devil in you as you finish reading each scam. I highly suggest this book to everybody, as it will teach all a thing or two about the industry."

Make no bones about it- This is a book by the workers, for the workers! If you are a 'fat cat restaurateur' or a 'bleeting cheapskate guest', be prepared for a healthy and well deserved- "Smeck, Smeck, Smeck!" But no hard feelings. You know you have it coming and by the time you take all your licks, you'll be rewarded with a whole new level of understanding and insight.

Now, pull yourself together, America! I hate to break it to you, but if you are pissed about the Waiter & Bartender's Scam Bible, wait till you get a load of the next one.

It's Only Fair...

Journalist savant, Todd Price, author of the infamous GAMBIT article, "Turning the Tables", that broke the Scam Bible to an ususpecting, now aghast, New Orleans, lined up with the rest of us for the ensuing shit-storm of angry letters to the magazine's maverick editor, Michael Tisserand.

Price reflected euphemistically, "Certainly some people are upset that I didn't tell them what to think about the book."

That speaks volumes.

"Bleet!...Bleet!...Damn you, Price! Where's the f@!#ing directions?...Bleet!...Bleet!...Where does it fit in our hypocritical matrix of regurgitated moralistic soundbytes!?...Bleet!...Bleet!...Bleeeeeeeet!!!

The flock is in an uproar! We thought it only fair to print a few of their more humorous and plaintive objections-

MOMMY SPANKS TOMMY'S PEE-PEE

"I read your article "Turning the Tables" (Jan.25) and found it disturbing. I've been in the food service business all my life and have witnessed this behavior myself. I'm ashamed to say that I've participated in scams when I was younger and am ashamed of that part of my life. How Peter Francis and R. Chip DeGlinkta can publish a book in which they brag about their lack of integrity is inconceivable to me.
I'm Fortunate to have a conscience that wouldn't allow me to publicly announce my lack of morals. My mother, of course, would read any book I published. I have worked in restaurants where these practices have forced the owners to close and therefore leave many honest employees out of work. I also know many people that go out to eat very infrequently due to the fear that they'll be scammed, thus damaging the entire industry. I stopped practicing these scams a long time ago and have been promoted and compensated accordingly in various restaurants and now own two of my own Unlike the authors of this book, I became successful through hard, honest work. I hope they and their mothers are quite proud!"

-Tommy Julian
Owner, Pizza Gourmet and Brown's Diner
______________________________

10 PERCENTERS WANT THEIR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO

"Can't we just eat, drink, and be merry without glorifying petty crime in a crappy book?"

-Adam Farrington
______________________________

TRY PAXIL

"After wasting my time reading Todd Price's "Turning the Tables", I wish Gambit would have its editors kill stories like this before publication. It was vulgar and tasteless. The world needs more uplifting articles, not articles praising thieves."

-Thomas Lietz
______________________________

THE IRON VAGINA

"It is so juvenile that DeGlinkta and his partner think they are cool because they were able to scam people and steal from businesses. What a bore."

- Jessica Hawk

______________________________

Well, my hat's off to visionary wordsmith, Todd Price and his intrepid editor. Nice work guys.

As usual, to all our new found friends and enemies...

Bon Appetit!

Cover Story!!! Gambit Weekly

Gambit Weekly
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"After reading the Scam Bible and now talking with DeGlinkta, I find myself becoming increasingly suspicious of everyone around me."

-Todd Price, Gambit Weekly January 25, 2005 Vol.26 No.4

(CLICK HERE to read the article)

OFFBEAT Magazine

Offbeat
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"Burn
Bourbon
Burn!"

- Offbeat, January 2005

Where Y'At

Where Y'At
Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"How to Burn Down the House is a rare book... readers will be overwhelmed at the sheer volume and complexity of many of the schemes described."

- WHERE Y'AT Magazine, January 2005