MERRY X-MAS!

Behave yourselves.

FIVE UP!

Give it up for boss hustler, Ghetto Billy Dee, and his top CEO’s at SideStreet Hustler Entertainment - “A new breed of hustler who man up.”

“I’m on the grind,

I ain’t trippin’off birds and dames,

I’m tryin’ to flock the hood with byrds of cain…”

- J. Nickel

Blown to the four corners of the Earth in the greatest American Diaspora since the Dustbowl, the 5^th Ward is still spittin’ flames. You may have noticed a new blurb in the Post-Katrina Scam Bibles for “GRINDIN’ w/Lil’ Cash”, a radical new series from SSH’s Ghetto Billy Dee and Promethean Books' copy boy, Nigel Pickhardt. Rumor has it that self-proclaimed New Orleans publishing Maverick, J.F. Collins, approved the funding with a belligerent – “Five up!” - during a momentary lapse of sobriety in the Greek islands, where he’s been languishing on Ouzo and stuffed grape leaves in a Yugoslavian FEMA trailer since early September.

GRINDIN’ is slated for release sometime in 2006, so get ready!

Photo by Stephanie Thompson

“The Best Bookseller in America”

Well, I spit-shined a Scam Bible and took it down to Austin’s Book People, anointed this year by Publisher’s Weekly as the “Best Bookseller in America”. I honestly thought they’d scoff at our little Rosemary’s baby, but I’ll be a monkey’s uncle – they took it!

In fact they loved it and thought it was so damn funny, they went and put it in the “Humor” section alongside the likes of Woody Allen, Steve Martin and a veritable pantheon of other comic legends. So if you happen to be around 6th and Lamar, right across from Waterloo Records (ironically voted “Retailer of the Year 2005”) scrambling for a last minute gift for that black sheep in your family, let me suggest a winning combination – the Scam Bible and a copy of Black Sabbath’s Greatest Hits. They’ll think you finally understand them.

Nuke Jefferson Parish

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

The friendly residents of Jefferson Parrish have thrown a helpful stick in the spokes of this whole FEMA debacle by refusing to allow delivery of any more trailers to the area. That’s first hand from my girlfriend who’s been jumping thru hoops to receive one on a spot she’d lined up there for quite some time now. When she called to check the status yesterday she was blindsided by this latest delay.

For those of you who’ve been in Botswanaland for the last 6 months, these are the same a-holes that brandished firearms and turned back fleeing New Orleanians on the Mississippi Bridge and who’s Sherriff’s Department was reprimanded for using cut outs of Little Black Sambo for target practice. Of course, during Mardis Gras and other colorful New Orleans-based festivities you can’t get these toothless f***in’ Yats to leave the city. Talk about fair weather friends.

Hey, I can dig it. They want their cake and eat it too. I say we give it to ‘em, but make it a tasty uranium cake. Let’s nuke the selfish bastards. We'll make the whole Parish a FEMA trailer park, be done with the KKK and finally oust Harry Lee all in one fell swoop.

Onward Thru the Fog!

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

If you’re in Austin, Texas and you need a new screen for your massive multi-chambered bubbler or maybe you just have a hankering for some classic Crumb, the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers or a good ol’ Zap Comic, you’ll find a new member to the Underground Classic’s shelf at Oat Willies. That’s right – the fabulous furry “Scam Bible” is now available at Oat Willies - Austin’s oldest and coolest head shop at 29th and Rio Grande.

This is especially sentimental for me, having spent a good deal of time in there as a kid ogling the many exciting smoking devices, not to mention the High Times and vast selection of underground comics - and of course, mohawked and slam dancing across the street at Studio 29 to the likes of the Dicks, Big Boys, the Offenders and so many other great Austin punk bands in the early 80's. After Hurricane Katrina, we washed up in Austin, where we’ve set up a satellite office for now. It’s New Orleans’ sister city, believe it or not, which makes perfect sense considering all the music and culture.

Another great spot to pick up a Scam Bible in Austin and have a cool experience is MonkeyWrench Bookstore at 110 E. North Loop – “an all volunteer book collective, specializing in new and used radical books and periodicals”. This is a really cool little place if you have a chance to stop in. The people are ultra-idealistic and friendly. They all work there for free, just to keep the place afloat and because they love to read. The place is regularly vandalized by Republicans, who spray paint obscenities with this type of acid that actually permanently etches the plate glass windows. What a bunch of a-holes, eh? I am tickled pink that their arrogant local pundit, Tom DeLay is going down for such a base crime as money laundering. They really are just a bunch of punks.

Anyway, this place comes across like maybe City Lights Books in San Francisco was in the old days, before they turned into a vapid tourist attraction. I’ll tell you, I have never been so disgusted with a bookstore as when I tried to get City Lights to pick up the Scam Bible. They were so f***ing pretentious, it was almost impossible to talk with them. I have to admit it was doubly disparaging because “Love in the Days of Rage” a short novel by its deceased founder, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, really changed my life. I’ll bet he’s spinning in his grave.

Still Smiling

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood leads on to fortune: omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries."

- William Shakespeare

"Still Smiling" by New Orleans photographer, Stephanie Thompson.

In the bathroom at Promethean Books HQ, this turtle somehow remained pristine after 5 weeks, despite a veritable coral reef of mold that sprouted all around her. It struck me as very auspicious.

The National "No Help" List

Originally uploaded by deglinkta.

Recap: Sunday August 28th, late on the eve of Hurricane Katrina, my girlfriend, our two cats, Moe and Kasey, a two-legged rescue cat named Zebra, Marty the Bulldog and myself, crammed into our spacious Toyota Corolla and inched westward on I-10 towards Austin. We begrudgingly evacuated New Orleans just in the nick of time thanks to a barrage of prophetic phone calls from tearful and persistent relatives. I have to admit we were in total denial at first. Like many weathered New Orleanians, we’d grown immune to the annual hype. So, we picked up a few flicks, stocked our Lakeview bungalow with assorted munchies and the old lady iced down enough wine coolers for a week or so of cozy tropical lovemaking.

Reason struck like lightning at the last possible moment. I think it was when a local anchorwoman said– “There’s still time. If you haven’t left yet, get the hell out!” All the blood rushed out of my extremities, my wiener shriveled up, and our cavalier attitude transformed into one of utter panic and impending doom. I ran around in circles chastising myself, while my girlfriend methodically gathered all the animals, loaded us into the car and then we left.

I’m a big talk radio fan, but between New Orleans and Houston, the choices are pretty much limited to Jesus or neo-con jackasses. I was feeling a little abandoned by Jesus, so I opted for Clear Channels’ stable of braying Rush Limbaugh wannabees.

Unfortunately, all they could talk about was shouldering the burden of these foolhardy bumpkins who had been stupid enough to build their communities along the treacherous Gulf Coast, and especially New Orleans which flat spat in the face of common sense altogether. Add to that the occasional moony, with their “divine payback” theories – e.g. “the city that the damned call home” and so forth - and you have the makings of a disenheartening 17 hour retreat. Christ, the storm was yet to make ground fall and these a-holes were ready to give us back to the French, or the Devil - whichever was less expensive!

Listen, I’m no qualified political commentator or psychologist, but as a longtime waiter and bartender I know a thing or two about “fiscally conservative” which is really just PC for “cheap”. And I don’t mean that to be insulting. It’s a legitimate disorder, with a scientific name and everything. It’s called parsimony – “unusual or excessive frugality, extreme economy or stinginess”. That’s why I didn’t take it personal. But it made me think. Maybe they just need a way out.

Here’s an idea. Let’s take the high road and petition on their behalf. We’ll gather all their names, and have them politely excluded from American Society. I figure we can call it the National “No Help” List. Once complete, I’ll submit it to the powers that be, who can then work out the details and make it official. That way, when a killer twister touches down or a dam breaks, or the earth’s crust spits molten lava on their little black lawn jockeys, they won’t be sitting around waiting for a check or bottled water. Of course they’ll be ineligible for a seat on the Mothership or a national bomb shelter lottery in the event of nuclear fallout. I guess they’ll just have to mutate, but at least they'll have their precious tax dollars.

You’ll have to help me out. I signed up a few well-known peckerwoods to get the ball rolling.

Nat’l “No Help” List -

1. Sean Hannity
2. Neil Cavuto
3. Bill O’Reilly
4.